What's My Motivation?
Last toke: 84 days
Last smoke: 77 days

With this week being devoted to an offsite training class, my morning drive schedule has shifted back about two hours. That means, along with extra sleep in the morning, I am listening to different radio preachers. Chuck Swindoll is on at 8 and Charles Stanley at 8:30.

Stanley was finishing up a 3-day series on self-discipline. Needless to say, I found it very depressing, given my current situation and the fact that I have very little self-discipline historically.

This morning, however, he said something that caught my attention. He made the point that if people don't have any motivation, self-discipline for it's own sake is nothing more than legalism.

"Bingo!", I thought, "I have no real motivation." And it's true. There is nothing in my life that really makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. When I thought back to the few times in my life that I was able to exercise any level of discipline, I had some compelling goal or reason motivating me behind the scenes.

When I was in college, I studied and got involved in theatre because I wanted to pave the way for a future that got me free from my parents' meaningless, bourgeois worldview. I suspect that part of my motivation was also to show my parents that I was smart, talented and finally worthy of their acceptance and affirmation.

That worked out well.

When I split from my second wife, V., I was highly motivated to succeed in my newly found career in IT -- partly to get the income I would need to have a decent life while still supporting my children and partly to show her that I could be successful, motivated, prosperous and worthy of her acceptance and affirmation.

Once I got to a certain point in my career where I had shown all of those things and more, I got bored. And she barely noticed anyway.

A few years back, I got a bit motivated to lose weight and work out because I felt that would enhance my enjoyment of the swinging life. But that also depended on finding someone who shared that same motivation. And it also got old and tired.

Most recently, I was pretty motivated to get back into 'spiritual shape', but my motivation has been tough to maintain. At first, I felt that there might be a way for me to get connected, and it seemed to be working for a while. However, as my troubles in my marriage have mounted, and the same old failures keep besetting me, I find myself withdrawing in the face of well-meaning, but typically unsatisfying attempts to encourage me by my brothers and sisters in the church I attend.

Chuck Swindoll told a great story yesterday that I totally identified with. I've long suspected that either I am highly deficient with respect to my experience of the Christian life, or that most of the people I encounter in the Church either simply don't get it or are bald-faced liars and posers.

Anyway, Swindoll talked about a hiking outing that members of his church organized. After all the usual signing up, planning, organizing and scheduling, the group went on a hike up to a beautiful vista somewhere in Southern California. It soon became clear, however, that some people were less suited to this level of exertion than others. One woman, in particular, lagged far behind. Others, more fit and 'motivated', called to her from the summit -- regaling her with their impressions of the stupendous view from the top and telling her that she 'could do it'. Swindoll's point here being that it's probably not worth it to sprint ahead of our 'weaker' brothers, and definitely not helpful to offer that kind of disconnected 'encouragement'.

This is how I feel every time someone at church tells me that I just need to 'do it' or that they haven't 'given up' on me. People don't really want to come down where I am and get a clue on what it feels like, and I'm not particularly eager to burden them. I've been there, and the only thing that seems to happen is that whoever is stupid enough to try and walk with me ends up finally giving up on me.

So what is my motivation?

God loves me? My kids need me? Both true, but unfortunately not sufficiently penetrating, especially considering that my kids could do a lot better than me for a father.

I'm supposed to have a purpose, and that's supposed to drive me to deny myself, get up in the morning, forego my right to react to the numerous character flaws, overt sins, injustices and inconveniences that exist in my life like weeds on steroids.

Someone recently told me that setting goals based on avoiding negative consequences is a pretty piss poor way to live life. I'm inclined to agree. At the same time, about the only thing that I can do is just maintain and try to avoid having things get worse than they already are while I try and find something that can truly motivate me for the long haul.
- posted by The Drake @ 9:22 AM 11 comments

 
Prelude to a Divorce
After months of barely speaking, the beginning of the end came when she walked in the door Tuesday night after being out for several hours attending an after-work function at a local bar.

Vaporously fuming alcohol from her celebrations with her co-workers, she sat down beside me and within five minutes had spoken more to me than she had in the previous month.

Of course, she also asked for sex.

I think at some subconscious level, I must have known that this could very well be my last opportunity to have sex of any kind for a long, long time, I went to the kitchen and down three quick shots of apple schnapps and made myself a stiff drink to help me get in the mood. Basically, I needed to do something to negate the strong odor of her alcohol breath, which was unexpectedly repulsing me.

Afterwards, she began talking to me again. This was a verbal orgy for her. I became aware that her usual self-editing filter was off, so I decided to ask her what her deal was with our marriage. Her response was a roller coaster ride of conflicting emotions, beliefs and revealed choices.

First, she said that I was sexier that the day she met me. Big surprise, considering how little she has said to me over the past six months. Of course, that was followed up by several statements that let me know that her opinion of the long term viability of our relationship hadn't changed much since she left me eighteen months ago, only to return five months later.

Beyond that, it became obvious that her only reason for being here at all was to avoid getting fucked over on the house, which neither of us can afford on our own, but which is also under my bankruptcy. That means that it is probably in my best interest to give it back to the bank and move on. However, that leaves her liable for whatever they can't recover from the next mortgage they issue on it.

So here I am. Torn by my desire to get away from someone who can only bring herself to relate to me when she's drunk, and the competing desire to not unnecessarily cause her hardship. That last desire is some sort of vestige of a Christian conscience, I guess.

So what do I do? Live in the same house I neither need nor can afford with someone I am divorcing just to keep things from getting messy? Or do what it is in my power to do and let her fend for herself?
- posted by The Drake @ 11:45 AM 37 comments

 
Time to Begin Again
Last toke: 78 days
Last smoke: 71 days

my marriage is over. i have agreed to sign her papers. moreover, when going over some details on the tax filing implications, it's become clear that i can no longer maintain my living situation. you see, the only reason my 'wife' is still hanging around is because we are in a situation with the house. i lost my job right after we moved in, endured a couple of months of unemployment and had to file bankruptcy. Chapter 13, which means the court takes a certain percentage of my paycheck for about three years to pay back a portion of my debt to my creditors. i make too much money to just be 'discharged' under Chapter 7.

well, part of the way this works is that the court also pays the mortgage until the bankruptcy is over, which for me is mid-2007. Hopefully. However, without the extra income that my soon-to-be ex brings in, I can't afford to live there. plus, for some unknown reason, she claims that I will owe about $1700 in taxes. This despite the fact that my W4 has no deductions on it. Some kind of tax system where you owe money after your employer takes out the max from your check. There is also about $400 in local taxes.

so, my only real option is to ask the court to suspend the repayment plan for a couple of months to allow the bank to foreclose on the house. that will allow me to get some extra money to move and save for my taxes. who knows how I'm going to get the Christmas thing done this year.

from there, i hope to be able to find a cheap place to live near my kids, so that i can be more a part of their lives as they finish up school. since my job is going well, i should be able to float by, even after the court re-instates my plan to put me on subsistence living again.

the whole thing sucks, but it's simply my consequences. so i'll deal with it, and pray that God will be merciful. i'm approaching fifty, have no retirement plan, no real relationships other than my children, and very little meaningful activity in my life. everything has been, and will continue to be, about making sure that my children never know what it feels like to have their parents (at least their father) abandon them.
- posted by The Drake @ 6:43 AM 1 comments

 
The Sevens
Last toke: 76 days
Last smoke: 69 days

The Unseen Blogger has tagged me to play "The Sevens":


7 Things That Scare Me
Abandonment
Exposure
Torture
Vicious dogs
Bad things happening to my children
Drowning
God's Judgement (although obviously not enough)


7 Things I like most
Freaky, freaky sex
Golf
Watching thunderstorms roll in out in 'the country'
Laughter with friends
Reading a good book
Watching a good movie
Watching the Steelers kick butt


7 Most important things in my room
Pillow
Bed
Fan/AC
Silky quilt (which my kids stole)
Computer
The Bible
Decongestants


7 Random facts about me
I have Plantar Fasciitis
I have been bald since age 19
I am the oldest surviving male in my family (i.e. - the patriarch)
My left knee has no cartilage or ACL
I did not travel outside of the country or to Florida until I was in my 40's.
I learned to play tennis when I was 5.
I hate green peppers.


7 Things I plan(hope) to do before I die
Visit Ireland and Scotland
Break 80
Get back into shape
Learn Spanish and/or Chinese
Publish something
Know the joy of a real marriage
Truly follow Christ


7 Things I can do
Hit a 6-iron over 200 yards - high, soft and straight.
Cook an entire Thanksgiving meal from scratch
Write (although some have debated this claim)
Speak in public
Make people laugh
Make women hate me
Think well on my feet


7 Things I can't do
Run
Eat raw carrots
Lick my elbow (no one can do that)
Claim my children as dependents
Grow hair on the top of my head
Read music
Produce the fruit of the Spirit


7 Words I say the most
Fuck
Motherfucker
Motherfucking sonofabitch
Shit
What?
Whatever
No (I have 7 kids, remember?)


7 Celebs I find attractive
Claire Forlani
Condi Rice (i just can't help myself)
Salma Hayek
Michelle Wie (i thought she was 18, i swear!)
Renée Zellweger (although i think she must be crazy)
Jennifer Aniston (Brad IS crazy)
Lil' Kim

7 People tagged:
I don't even know 7 people who haven't already been tagged.
- posted by The Drake @ 10:48 AM 0 comments