Motivation
So here I am, bored at work again. Time to blog!
In addition to my work lethargy -- which is a result of not having enough work to occupy me -- i have been also struggling to find that spark in life.
Certain situations trigger my energy reserves, like cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family. Or putting in my two cents during the Calvinist/Arminian discussion at my ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship) for the past few weeks. Or being able to listen to my friend Craig as he talks about the crisis he is having with his wife over her addiction to prescription pain killers.
But for the better part of the day, I just seem to go through the motions. It seems to be about motivation. I want to be motivated by the desire to serve Christ joyfully and energetically throughout my day. But what I really seem to be motivated by is drama. Most of the time, life is really boring to me. As a former thespian, I find myself constantly asking myself, "What's my motivation?"
Into which void enters my dual existence, my inherent schizophrenia. On the one hand, I believe I should be motivated by grace and gratitude to get up very early and spend time with God before I venture out into this dark, dangerous world on my daily quest to earn my keep. But I can't seem to get there easily.
I think it must be the curse of the addict. I've become so used to living off flights of fancy and indulgence -- and feeding off crises -- that I'm not sure how to deal with the prolonged periods of 'normalcy'. The drama of divine deliverance has given way to the mundanity of 'doing the next right thing'. It's as if God has become my new drug, and I'm Jones'ing for a larger dose.
Unfortunately, God is not playing that game. He is not here for my amusement. I am here for His Higher Purpose, about which i rightly have no clue. And so, my daily life is measured out by every turn towards or away from Him. I've never understood those believers who are always so pumped up about 'living for Jesus'. In fact, I pretty much don't trust them. I think they're faking. In the back of my mind, however, I fear that they're not -- and that i've somehow missed the boat on a life that is much more satisfying than what i currently know.
As an addict, I crave and long for life to be much, MUCH more fun and pleasurable. That's also at odds with God's Revelation. The mark of the Christian, as I understand it, is to find joy and celebration in life as it comes -- good and bad. I actually do OK with that. It's the tedium of the in-between times that frustrates me so.
And so I'd rather sleep in than get up and pray.
What to do?
- posted by The Drake @ 8:25 PM 0 comments
100 Things You May Not Know About Me
With thanks to An Urban Princess for the idea.
100. I am a VERY critical person. To my shame, I have made several women (and a few men) cry as a result.
99. The only woman who really 'gets' me is my 15-year old daughter. Love ya, August!
98. I made my first public profession of Christ as Savior when i was 19.
97. I was a virgin until I was 23.
96. Given facts 98 & 97, I've slept with far too many women.
95. I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude.
94. I've found myself to be very goal-oriented. The problem is finding a goal that I care enough about.
93. I am bald.
92. I hate injections and have religiously avoided doctors, dentists and heroin.
91. I am a recovering addict.
90. I score out as an INTJ on the Meyers Briggs Personality Type Indicator. Big on the Introvert scale.
89. I was a Socialist in college.
88. I can no longer run as a result of numerous knee injuries.
87. My wife is sixteen years younger than me. It's pretty good for the ego now, but I wonder how much of a boost it will be when I'm over sixty.
86. I am NOT cuddly. But I am learning.
85. I cry easily. Go figure.
84. Despite my profession of faith, I did not darken the entrance to any church for almost 9 years, from May 1995 through February of this year.
83. I'm a sympathy puker.
82. The first woman i slept with ended up having a nervous breakdown. I'm not sure if the two are related.
81. I memorized the 9 fruits of the Holy Spirit yesterday. Now all I have to do is exhibit them.
80. I am the last in four generations of only sons.
79. I no longer have any heroes, but there are a few people I respect a great deal.
78. I've had two, very short-lived stints in rock bands - once as a singer(disaster) and another time as a drummer(better).
77. I like all of the veggies everyone else hates: spinach, broccoli, lima beans and brussels sprouts.
76. My earliest sports idols were Roman Gabriel (anyone remember him?), Brooks Robinson and Wilt Chamberlain.
75. The best time i ever had was on my honeymoon to Jamaica.
74. I love to cook, but only if i have all day to prepare. Otherwise, i feel rushed and the end result is compromised.
73. The achievement i'm most proud of is my direction of The Glass Menagerie as a mainstage production in college.
72. My oldest child was born 10 weeks prematurely and lived in an incubator for nearly 3 months.
71. My four youngest children were all delivered by midwives.
70. I was a total Buffy and Angel freak. I miss them both terribly.
- posted by The Drake @ 1:19 PM 0 comments
Why Liberals Dominate Our Universities
For all those listening to/participating in today's Hannity radio show.
"Those who can't do, teach."
'Nuf said.
- posted by The Drake @ 6:29 PM 2 comments
10 Things I'm Thankful For
In the spirit of the holiday, I am thankful:
10. that Pittsburgh doesn't have an NBA team. We have Tom Murphy, and that's bad enough.
9. for the return to dominance of my beloved Steelers! I missed the last Super Bowl win to attend an evening Pentecostal service. I was 19. I've never gotten over it.
8. for my beautiful Miss Maddie, the Shih Tzu puppy, despite the fact that she woke me up this morning at 2:30 to take her out.
7. for God's mercy displayed in the fact that i haven't yet had my first heart attack.
6. that I am the one cooking the turkey and fixings.
5. for my consulting gig at Heinz. It's just been extended into 2005, and i've got a great boss and work that challenges me.
4. for my wonderful children. They make me laugh, and i am enjoying watching them grow into the kind of adults i can hang around with.
3. for second chances. I've had more than my share.
2. for the privilege of seeing prayers answered. God is truly wonderful and amazing.
1. for the gift of salvation in Jesus Christ, and a host of other blessings and privileges i don't come close to deserving.
- posted by The Drake @ 4:20 PM 1 comments
What's In a Name?
Inspired by Citizen Willow's comment on my last blog about having a dog with the same name.
I have a thing about names. I like them to be different. When it comes to naming pets or kids, i want to come up with something that will separate my progeny (can pets be considered progeny without people thinking me deviant?) from the rest of the hordes that populate this planet. i also like them to have some sort of significance, so that they get that their lives have meaning. the kids, not the pets, that is.
I guess it comes from my reactionary bent to being raised (and named) in the June Cleaver era of middle class, white bread, naming conventions and coming into my adulthood and child raising years when stupid yuppies were infesting the population with Brittanys and Justins and Austins and Ethans. Yuck! No offense to those of you with those names, but you don't exactly stand out from the crowd do you. Neither did I. I've seldom been in a group of any size where i wasn't one of 3 or 4 people with the same name. So then you end up being given a nickname (which is usually not very nice) or being called by your last name (which i didn't like either until 'The Drake' came along).
All of my kids have names which while not totally unheard of, are nonetheless unique among their peers.
There's the daughters:
Brooklynn - her mom liked the name Brooke, but it was hugely popular at the time, so we combined it with Lynn. Using the meaning of each name, i've always thought of it as denoting 'beside the beautful stream' because it sounded like a Psalm.
August - 'of a quality inspiring mingled admiration and reverence' - our tribute to the sanctity of life in general and our feelings about her in particular
And the sons:
Dechlan - which i found in a byline of the Irish music mag Hot Wax to an article about U2, who of course i'm a big fan of.
Silas - a 'minor' figure in the New Testament, in that he spent a lot of time with Paul spreading the Gospel to us Gentiles
Ezekiel - a prophet from the Old Testament. it means 'whom God makes strong'. he had a vision of a valley of dry bones being brought back to life by the power of God.
Each of them knows where there names came from, and i sincerely hope that the end result is that they will be blessed
Then we named the cat (a male) Neo, after the Matrix. I really dig that story, and you probably won't find too many cats named Neo. It's a departure from the whole Biblical theme, but, hey, he's just a cat.
But it was a different story with the new puppy. i lost out to convention and my wife (not the mother of any of my children, for those of you keeping score). She tends to be much less concerned with uniqueness. She dragged out the same baby name she used to name her two sons - Vanilla and Bland. If she would have waited until she got to know them a little bit, she probably would have called them Manson and Bundy. But that's a story for another time.
A baby book! Sheesh! I ask you, is that any way to name a pet? I don't need no stinkin' baby book! When i need to name a living thing, i start looking around for the inspiration of the moment, for the sign from above. Call me a mystic, but i like the results so far.
My daughter August had the best idea of all. Trinity. It was perfect! Neo and Trinity, plus the obvious allusion to a central tenet of the Christian faith. But the wife was having none of it. It didn't fit her, she said.
Anyway, the dog's name ended up being Maddie - short for Madeline. The original name was Madison, but that was just too much for me. Reminds me too much of the pretentious, vapid, bourgeoisie, and i can't allow myself to be associated with them.
I guess because a cutie pie lap dog like Maddie needs to assume a lady-like aura of pretentious dignity.
Horseshit!
I shoulda got an ugly dog, like a pug or terrier-type mutt. Then i coulda named it whatever i wanted. And kept the coolness going.
- posted by The Drake @ 4:10 PM 0 comments
Faith and Anger
I've not had a good day. It started with Maddie, the Shih Tzu puppy, taking a dump on the carpet in my home office this morning as i was getting dressed. I swear she is the inventor of speed-shitting. I turned my back on her to pull a shirt out of the closet, whirled back around on her, and she was just coming out of her squat. Couldn't have been more than 10 seconds.
Then i spent the drive into Pittsburgh (about an hour) dodging morons while trying to pray for God to heal my angry spirit. Not a huge success, either.
Faith and anger. Strange bedfellows, they are.
I've spent over half the day figuring out why my new programs won't work, only to find that the infrastructure wasn't set up correctly for me. Tech stuff. You don't want to know.
So shortly after lunch, i just gave up and started cruising Blogger. First, i checked in with the Unseen Blogger and Citizen Willow to see if they had anything new to say, then just started clicking the 'Next Blog' link. After about an hour of that, content patterns began to emerge. About 25% of the sites were in Spanish, so i don't really know what they were about - not speaking Spanish. But the remaining 75% of what i clicked were divided pretty evenly into 3 main camps: 1) vapid teenagers posting incoherent ramblings that loosely resemble the English language and must be HUGELY funny to their little friends; 2) political postings - the left usually has more variety (prettier packaging), and the right has a lot more verbage; and 3) Christians of all ages, genders and theological background.
I find it somewhat comforting that so many people are willing and able to put together coherent thoughts about the King of the Universe - whether i always agree with those thoughts or not. I don't know whether my browsing is a valid statistical sampling method, but this experience and the swirl surrounding the 'Values Voters' in the recent election makes me believe that there are a heck of a lot of people in this country who believe in the One, True God and the Good News of Jesus. Of course, daring to make a statement like that in our PC culture is a good way to get your tires slashed (or your throat cut).
Faith and anger. Seems like they go hand-in-hand.
But only when the come from different sources. How is it that I can comfortably affirm my belief in Jesus, but spend an entire day (hell, the whole week) encased in white-hot anger? How is it that I can pray to Jesus and cuss the living daylights out of the cutest little puppy in the world? Or the mentally deficient granny who's doing 30 in the passing lane? Or the inanimate object that is my work PC? It's insane.
Sigh. What is faith? In my case, it's believing that Jesus died for me, despite the fact that i'm quite the slow learner. And that God still loves me, even though i'm a raging asshole.
It's getting up every day and clinging to those beliefs and hoping some day these insignificant inconveniences won't send me into apoplexy.
Someday.
- posted by The Drake @ 5:05 PM 6 comments
Just a little late for Monday Madness
I've never seen myself as much of a joiner, but i liked this one for a 'get-to-know-me' post. Thanks to Citizen Willow for posting the link to the following questions, to The Unseen Blogger for linking to Citizen Willow, and to Andrea for posting them in the first place.
Name 3 (or more, or less!) things...
1. ...you cannot live without.
Hope, which i find in Jesus. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain" Phillipians 1:21
2. ...you CAN live without, but cannot seem to part with.
Sex,TV and fattening foods
3. ...you wish to accomplish this COMING week.
clean up my desk, housebreak my puppy, find contentment
4. ...you have accomplished this PAST week.
bought a puppy (a Shih Tzu bitch - just flows off the tongue, doesn't it), made a new friend, realized that my numerous failings are not as big a deal as I make them out to be -- at least not to God.
5. ...on your holiday (or non-holiday) 'wish list.'
A permanent job (with comparable pay), contentment, energy and a disposition to serve others.
6. ...you would like to change about yourself.
my self-centeredness, girth and temper
7. ...you like about yourself.
my sense of humor, creativity and eloquence
8. ...you should be doing right now instead of what you ARE doing.
writing code, documenting code and staying off the Internet (i'm at work - shhh!)
9. ...in your life that could use a little more organization.
my finances, home office and spiritual life
- posted by The Drake @ 3:31 PM 0 comments
Two Countries?
It's sad, really.
The media and oh-so-many out in the blogosphere are really putting up a fuss over the election results. In the best scenarios, some Democrats are trying to figure out a way to bridge the morality gap that seems to be the most favored explanation among them as to how their obviously superior guy could've lost to 'that idiot'. The more desparately entrenched among the liberals have resorted to much more drastic solutions.
There was the guy who killed himself at Ground Zero, the endless stories of people who are either considering or pursuing relocation outside our borders, and my personal favorite -- the yutz from Brooklyn who has 'seceded from the Union'.
That got me thinking. Seeing as how this whole red state/blue state dichotomy has become such a convenient way of delineating the two Americas, what would it be like if we just let these libs take their ball and go home? Literally.
With the profusion of election results maps showing up on the 'Net, it seems like a pretty good deal for us 'Reds' to just let the Blues start their own country with the borders defined, not by the states, but by the counties which chose John Kerry over George Bush in the most recent election.
The maps make one thing very clear: liberals tend to congregate in the major urban areas and their surrounding counties. Under existing economies, this works well for them, but i wonder how much they'd like their lives if their national borders were defined by this current election's blue counties?
What would the balance of power look like then?
- Reds would get more land, and blues would get most of the cities.
- The Blue economy would be built primarily on entertainment, media and legal services, while the Red economy would produce actual things (food, energy, raw and finished materials). The notable exception being automobile manufacturing. And possibly health care.
- Citizens of Red Country would have total freedom of movement within our borders (with a few exceptions in the corners), while Blue citizens would need a passport to cross the street and work visas to come to jobs into the Red Country, which would enjoy ludicrous heights of prosperity.
See where i'm going here? The liberals in this country can only enjoy their sense of intellectual and cultural superiority as long as we 'backwards' Heartlanders continue to provide them with the essentials of life. Furthermore, i'd like to see what would happen to the harmony between the liberal elite and their working class comrades if they were all forced to live within the current Blue borders and have to 'import' the majority of life's necessities from the Red Country. Let's see how much empathy John and Teresa have for their Union supporters when they can't get their garbage picked up outside the Boston townhouse because the collectors went on strike demanding more money and better benefits.
Let's face it. The liberal element in this country doesn't really produce much of value. Just a bunch of ideas that never really seem to work, and a bunch of rhetoric to confuse the weak-minded to abandon common sense in favor of fantasy.
And i don't really think that we'd have to worry too much about protecting our national integrity from incursions from the Blue. We own and produce the guns. And the elements within Blue Country that don't exactly fit the 'gun control' model would probably initially use their power to take over the Blue Country from the country club, gun control set.
Alas, it's only a fantasy, but a fun one.
The only problem is that i'd have to move. That's why i'd prefer the county approach to the state one. That way i'd only have to move a short distance.
- posted by The Drake @ 1:19 PM 1 comments
Greetings from The Dark Side
Well, i've not been very active on this blog, but it's not like i haven't been doing anything. I felt vindicated by the election results, to say the least, but that afterglow was brief indeed.
For the past several days, i've been caught up in a largely futile debate with a group of people calling themselves Christian Democrats. That was one i left out of my Oxymoron posting! :)
I stumbled across these folks by doing a Google search on Christian Democrats, thinking that i would hit on some historical links to European political parties of the same name in the hope of seeing a cogent political philosophy that combines evangelical Christianity with principles of democracy. While there are a few obscure entries in Wikipedia (i particularly liked the history of Christianity in the politics of New Zealand), most of the hits i came up with were various pre- and post-election laments about the co-opting of religion by the Republican Party and what a sham it all is.
Then I stumbled across this blog named Call And Response, posted by some hip chick who smokes clove cigarettes and is caught up in the Unitarian Universalist movement. These guys can't even get accepted by the National Council of Churches, so that tells you how far out they are. Despite all that, i found myself reading one of her posts 'On Being A Christian Democrat' and the replies of dozens of different people from all over the place embracing the outrageous concept that the Democrat Party is where one finds the philosophy most compatible with Christianity. You heard me right. There are actually people who call themselves Christians who believe that the Party of abortion, gay marriage and the ACLU is a better fit with their faith in Jesus Christ.
Of course, i just couldn't let that go, so i embarked on a crusade to bring them to their senses. I am sorry to report that my mission was not much of a success.
What got lost in that debate, however, was what brought me to be doing a Google Search on Christian Democrats in the first place. While totally gratified by the results of the election and thankful that the outcome was certain, i soon became troubled by the prospect that evangelicals had given the White House back to Bush with no strategy of accountability. And as i read post after post of these social liberals, i realized that we who voted 'our conscience' needed to face some hard questions from our brothers who seem to think that the New Testament begins and ends with the Sermon on the Mount. Why is the war in Iraq just based on the abuses of Saddam, but genocide continues unabated in the Sudan? Is this President who we elected so influenced by Dispensationalism that the objective of his foreign policy decisions in the Middle East could be Armageddon? How does the 'compassionate' conservative address the real decline in the quality of life among the working poor? Or even the lower middle class in certain regions?
Those are the things i intend to contemplate here over the next days, weeks, months. What i hope to accomplish is a moderating of the simplistic thinking represented by a guy in my church who told a story about a tour group who saw our President in the Oval Office on his knees in prayer. It's just not enough, people, to believe the image. We need to be paying attention to what is being done. "By their fruits you shall know them." I pray, too, but i make some disasterous blunders despite that. Because when it's all said and done, after you get up off those knees, you still have to make choices.
And it's up to us to keep an eye on them.
Anyway, i welcome any of my liberal brothers who want to comment of these thoughts. Hey, Jimmy Carter is about the biggest whack job going, but he created Habitat for Humanity. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while!
- posted by The Drake @ 1:03 PM 1 comments
