So here I am, bored at work again.  Time to blog!

In addition to my work lethargy -- which is a result of not having enough work to occupy me -- i have been also struggling to find that spark in life.

Certain situations trigger my energy reserves, like cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family.  Or putting in my two cents during the Calvinist/Arminian discussion at my ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship) for the past few weeks.  Or being able to listen to my friend Craig as he talks about the crisis he is having with his wife over her addiction to prescription pain killers.

But for the better part of the day, I just seem to go through the motions.  It seems to be about motivation.  I want to be motivated by the desire to serve Christ joyfully and energetically throughout my day.  But what I really seem to be motivated by is drama.  Most of the time, life is really boring to me.  As a former thespian, I find myself constantly asking myself, "What's my motivation?"

Into which void enters my dual existence, my inherent schizophrenia.  On the one hand, I believe I should be motivated by grace and gratitude to get up very early and spend time with God before I venture out into this dark, dangerous world on my daily quest to earn my keep.  But I can't seem to get there easily. 

I think it must be the curse of the addict.   I've become so used to living off flights of fancy and indulgence -- and feeding off crises -- that I'm not sure how to deal with the prolonged periods of 'normalcy'.  The drama of divine deliverance has given way to the mundanity of 'doing the next right thing'.  It's as if God has become my new drug, and I'm Jones'ing for a larger dose.

Unfortunately, God is not playing that game.  He is not here for my amusement.  I am here for His Higher Purpose, about which i rightly have no clue.  And so, my daily life is measured out by every turn towards or away from Him.  I've never understood those believers who are always so pumped up about 'living for Jesus'.   In fact, I pretty much don't trust them.  I think they're faking.  In the back of my mind, however, I fear that they're not -- and that i've somehow missed the boat on a life that is much more satisfying than what i currently know.

As an addict, I crave and long for life to be much, MUCH more fun and pleasurable.  That's also at odds with God's Revelation.  The mark of the Christian, as I understand it, is to find joy and celebration in life as it comes -- good and bad.  I actually do OK with that.  It's the tedium of the in-between times that frustrates me so.

And so I'd rather sleep in than get up and pray.

What to do?

- posted by The Drake @ 8:25 PM