No Direction Home
Last toke: 62 days
Last smoke: 55 days

Saw the last hour of the first installment of this Martin Scorcese-directed documentary of Bob Dylan. Utterly fascinating. It brought back memories of all things hippy and protest and conversion in my past. I remembered my best friend Bryan showing up at a party in our junior year wearing an imitation of the headdress Dylan wore during the concert in Colorado that was broadcast on TV as 'Hard Rain'. I remembered sitting in my bedroom talking to my 85-year old great-grandmother, who was staying with us while she recovered from a stroke, and asked me about my Dylan T-shirt.

"Who's that?", she asked.

"Bob Dylan," I replied, "He's a rock singer."

"Oh? What kinds of songs does he sing?"

"He sings about peace and love and protests against injustice in our society."

"Hm... Those sound like good things."

Grandma Murray could always cut to the heart of the matter.

I remember thinking how cool it was that 'Slow Train Coming' came out right at the same time I became a Christian. I listened to that album non-stop for about 3 months, thinking to myself, "How cool is God? First, He saves Dylan, then He saves me!" Wisdom, it turns out, was MY slow train coming.

Anyway, I was really struck by two things in the documentary. First, was how normally Dylan in the present was speaking, compared to his earlier interviews. Second, was how young and focused he was in his earliest recorded performances. He was so steeped in the folk tradition of Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, et al, that he was an enigma simply from the contrast of his baby-faced youth with his soulful, bluesy eloquence.

As always, I left the encounter feeling like I've become something less than I could have by comparison.

The second part is on PBS' American Masters tonight at 9. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to get some insight into what started out as a vital counter-cultural movement and has now deteriorated into the whining, angry, purposeless left.
- posted by The Drake @ 6:28 AM 23 comments

 
The Silver Lining in The Tarnished Black and Gold
Last toke: 61 days
Last smoke: 54 days

Another loss to the hated Patriots in our house! Disgusting! Despicable! Unforgiveable!

Not so bad, on reflection.

While the Steelers coaching is still the ugly step-sister to the Bellichick brilliance, let's not forget what our young quarterback did in that last drive. Despite the fact that everyone in the stadium knew that 1:22 was more than enough time to give our dynastic foes a chance to embarass the vaunted Steeler 'D' once again, the coolness and poise of our young Ben to find receiver after receiver on the way to his second TD pass of the day was comforting. Granted, youthful mistakes are still being made, but they are noticeably diminishing -- even within a single game.

For the first time in a long time, the Steelers 'O' seems poised to keep them in games when our opponents possess any kind of legitimate passing game -- the inability of which to defend has become the all-too-evident Achilles heel that Cowher and LeBeau can't seem to correct. What that means is that the rest of the league has long ago figured out how to neutralize the 'Blitzburgh' overcompensation for the fact that we haven't been able to draft or develop defensive backs who can cover people.

At least it was nice to see Chad Scott's ineptitude hurt someone else for a change.
- posted by The Drake @ 8:52 AM 1 comments

 
Distracted Friday Ramblings
Last toke: 58 days
Last smoke: 51 days

It's Friday, and I am due to participate in a focus group to taste test chicken strips and sauce in about an hour.
Yay for my semi-obese self!

I'm totally disorganized and distracted after exerting a lot of energy 'managing' things here at work, so I'm just giving up and blogging.

BTW, I totally hate managing anything in the IT world. You spend all day in meetings, on the phone, getting status updates, resolving issues for people who should be able to do it themselves, all while the REAL work you should be doing piles up in a nauseating clutter on your desk.

Ah, well! I guess that's why they pay me the big bucks.

Anyway, a little status update about ME:

First, the lawn upgrade proceeds fairly well. The area where the pool used to be has grown tall enough to mow -- which I did two nights ago. I then did some overseeding to fill in the bare patches. Looking lush, though. The other 1/3 of this ridiculously tiny 'piece of land' is still barren whilst we clear out the remnants of the recently-felled cherry tree. Last night, I began the thoroughly demoralizing task of digging out the stump. It's amazing how thick cherry tree roots can get! I would have left it along and used it for a 'stump seat', but it was planted too close to the fence line -- meaning that I have to get it out before I can put the fence back in.

As brutal as this work is, I find it helps me feel as if I'm doing something more than just existing. Spending the last 10 years cranking out awesome system designs and code has done very little to compensate for the major emptiness and loss that I experience from having gone through my second divorce and become a weekend father to my precious and amazing kids.

It's also a relief to be able to spend time with D that's actually meaningful and satisfying on some level. We kicked some serious ass re-grading and leveling this yard, and it's going to be like a shag carpet next summer. Of course, being so small, we can't really do much but look at it.

The other thing that's been going on with me lately has been an interesting challenge to grow in my Christian walk. Or maybe more accurately to get a Christian walk.

Over the past many months, this blog (and Unseen Blogger) has been one of the places where I have been able to lay out, assess and affirm my faith and worldview -- to reflect on what Christ and the Bible have to say about my past and present personal struggles and what I have been called to be.

Much of this time has been wasted trying to convince people through reason, satire and wit (such as I possess) that Christ is Lord and that most of the populist ideals of this culture are pure death. Much of this effort has proven futile, since people are simply stubborn and sinful - me being chief among them. However, I've also gained from having been forced back to God's Word, the spiritual education of my past, the encouragement of others, and the internal witness of the Holy Spirit to affirm that He who saved me is real, true and powerful to effect real and lasting change.

The end result being that I care a whole heck of lot less about being right than I do about being changed. And change is required.

The cherry tree stump is my current object lesson. Last night, I dug around almost half of the radius surrounding it, and cut through at least a dozen very thick roots. Yet this stump is not yet loosened enough to even be moved. Over the course of the lifespan where it achieved about 50 feet in height, it anchored itself into the soil with a tenacity that it belonged where it was planted and that it's purpose in life was to produce sweet fruit in its season.

Now, however, I -- the master and owner of this tree -- have decided that its purpose is to give me not fruit, but rather firewood. As such, its place is not to be rooted into my yard, but to be cut and stacked neatly on the side of the house.

Unfortunately, this old cherry tree is pretty convinced that its self-conception is the right one, and its root system is putting up some serious resistance to my efforts to shape my yard to conform with my vision. So, I am facing a fairly long and messy process of digging up the yard, cutting through one root branch at a time, sifting through the layers of rock and topsoil to uncover more hidden roots, and prying that old stump out of the ground.

I see in this process a metaphor of what God must be doing with me. I've got some deeply set roots in doing and seeing things in my own way -- with a confidence in my own wisdom and vision. On a daily basis, however, I see and feel a gradual tearing away from these roots as God exposes them for what they are: sinful pride, a commitment to pleasure, avoidance of pain, laziness, failure to love or have compassion, and downright obstinance in the face of an all-powerful God.

When Jesus converted me 26 years ago, I believed that He would just take care of everything -- you know, snap His fingers and all of the pain, longing, confusion and bad intent in me would just vanish. After 15 years, I still hadn't really learned any differently and blamed Him for not making things in my marriage right -- for allowing me to suffer that agony of rejection and loss.

Only now, 3 years into my restoration to the fellowship of the saints, am I beginning to see that I have to surrender to this divine surgery -- painful as it might be. The only difference is that the roots have grown deeper and thicker and taken a much more tenacious hold than they had back in the day.

I still wish that it could be quick and painless, but all evidence points to the contrary. Here I am, settled into a life full of consequences. Married to a wife with whom I have virtually no connection on any level and who has no real regard for me -- or my convictions. Stepfather to two little boys who's own scarring has resulted in behavioral problems that try my patience and serve as a goading reminder of my sufferings at the hand of my own father and my failure to be much better for them or the rest of my children. Bitter, suspicious and generally misanthropic from years of unforgiveness and cynicism born out of the mistreatment, rejection and abuse I've both suffered and given. Heartily committed to getting mine, and to hell with everyone else. Spiteful, vindictive, and mocking of those whose views are malformed or lacking the benefits of my education and insight. Basically, at the end of myself and my ability to do a damn thing about it.

So in steps the Lord, operating in His mysterious ways, showing me that I've got to stop struggling in the quicksand of myself and cling to Him while he chops away at these pesky roots.

But, just like I am doing with my cherry tree, He is taking care to only expose what needs to be cut, but ruthlessly severing my connections to these idols of self-sufficiency and perversity.

Of course, the analogy breaks down in that my cherry tree can't run away to keep me from doing my work on it. Conceivably, I can resist this work of the Holy Spirit. However, I'm not so sure that I can really escape the Hound of Heaven. I am starting to believe that I am totally His, and that running will only increase my suffering and diminish my gains here in this life.

Even that is progress for me.
- posted by The Drake @ 12:49 PM 6 comments

 
View from the Heart
Last Toke: 48 days
Last Smoke: 41 days

So it's been a while, eh? Well, I've been somewhat busy with some new project kickoffs at work, plus re-doing the lawn at home before fall fully sets in.

What I have been doing in blogworld has been going back and forth with Jeanne on The Unseen Blogger.

Apart from the usual futility of speaking the truth to someone who isn't interested in hearing it, I do find these online debates helpful in strengthening my faith as I remember and look up texts to respond to various arguments from the dark side.

All in all, however, I find debating these matters to be pretty useless, especially online. While many of my brothers and sisters tend to believe that faith in Christ and the Bible is a rational and logical thing, easily provable using classical apologetics, I do not. Faith in Christ's Lordship and the authority of Scripture is, at its core, irrational. While I can construct elaborate arguments from history and a study of systematic theology and logic, the power of the Gospel is in its ability to change lives demonstrably in the context of relationships.

So it gets a bit frustrating to try and convince someone who can't get a glimpse of Christ in you through interpersonal contact that Jesus is Lord -- and that they should entrust their lives and eternity to the propositions of the Gospel.

Furthermore, I am a presuppositionalist, which means that I approach evangelism and Christian apologetics not from a rational or logical perspective, but from a firm conviction that you have to understand what people's religious commitments (i.e. - presuppositions) are. For example, Jeanne doesn't believe in the absolute authority of the Bible because it tells her that people she cares about are most likely going to, or are already in, Hell. The concept of biblical judgement doesn't square with her presuppositions about God, namely that He is all love and wouldn't hurt a fly - let alone cast His 'children' into a lake of fire. Another of her presuppositions that I infer from our conversations is that people are basically good, thus not deserving of the judgement prescribed in the Bible.

So any attempt to persuade Jeanne of the rightness of my positions -- which, by the way, are built on my own set of presuppositions -- needs to attack the validity, reasonableness and essential truth of those presuppositions of hers which stand in opposition to submission to the Gospel Message.

This is a daunting task, given the fact that most of us are tenacious when it comes to our religious commitments. There is a place here for reason and logic, but simply providing evidence that these presuppositions are wrong won't do as long as the person's commitment to them remains intact. For instance, to point out the savagery among the New Orleans looters or the jihadi terrorists as sufficient evidence against believing in the inherent goodness of man only provokes a response that other people and circumstances oppressing them are forcing them to act against their natural instincts. Lost in this argument is the obvious conclusion that depravity and evil are universal, so that while one group of people do evil and violence to repress another, the others respond with evil and violence.

The power of the Gospel is in the effect of the Holy Spirit to prompt followers of Christ to break that cycle. When Rome persecuted believers in the times of the Apostles, they died with love in their hearts and forgiveness on their lips. And the Holy Spirit changed hearts and minds by the thousands!

So it is here. Only the Holy Spirit, acting in conjunction with the faithfulness of believer, can cause people like Jeanne (and myself, for that matter) to question and re-examine their presuppositions under the searching illumination of the Truth.

So what I thought I'd do here (besides praying that the Holy Spirit would do His work) is to lay some of my own presuppositions.

1. God exists, and is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
2. Jesus of Nazareth is the Messiah, the Savior of the world, by virtue of His atoning death on the cross and His conquering of eternal death by His Resurrection.
3. The Holy Spirit is the active force of God in the world today, convincing people of their sin and pointing them to Christ and His Word for reconciliation, joy, hope, peace and purpose in this life and salvation and perfection in the life to come.
4. People suck. They are inherently self-centered, evil, and unconcerned with the needs of others.
5. Being a people, I also suck.
6. Given points 4 & 5, life is, and will continue to be, extremely sad and disappointing.
7. People live in one of two states in response #6, denial or profound grief.
8. Faith in Christ is not a prerequisite for either response.
9. The working of the Holy Spirit IS a prerequisite for seeing life as it truly is.
10. Once given the insights listed above, Christians are enabled to come to God in complete and utter reliance and be truly transformed into the image of Christ.
11. The other choices are insanity or suicide.
12. God can, does, and will perform physical miracles.
13. Only God decides what, when, and for whom these miracles will be performed. There is no formula for unleashing the miraculous in your own life.
14. Even Christians are severely limited in their ability to understand and follow God, having to continue to struggle against their inherent evil nature in order to commune with the Holy Spirit.
15. Prosperity is a trap.
16. Poverty is not inherently noble.
17. Truly loving people is the most scary endeavor a human can undertake.
18. A person can only truly love under the influence of the Holy Spirit, using the life, ministry and death of Jesus as an example.
19. Relationships are the most important work that God has given us to do.

Well, that's a quick stream-of-consciousness attempt to get at my deep down.

What about you?
- posted by The Drake @ 8:58 AM 6 comments