9.23.2005
Distracted Friday Ramblings
Last toke: 58 days
Last smoke: 51 days
It's Friday, and I am due to participate in a focus group to taste test chicken strips and sauce in about an hour.
Yay for my semi-obese self!
I'm totally disorganized and distracted after exerting a lot of energy 'managing' things here at work, so I'm just giving up and blogging.
BTW, I totally hate managing anything in the IT world. You spend all day in meetings, on the phone, getting status updates, resolving issues for people who should be able to do it themselves, all while the REAL work you should be doing piles up in a nauseating clutter on your desk.
Ah, well! I guess that's why they pay me the big bucks.
Anyway, a little status update about ME:
First, the lawn upgrade proceeds fairly well. The area where the pool used to be has grown tall enough to mow -- which I did two nights ago. I then did some overseeding to fill in the bare patches. Looking lush, though. The other 1/3 of this ridiculously tiny 'piece of land' is still barren whilst we clear out the remnants of the recently-felled cherry tree. Last night, I began the thoroughly demoralizing task of digging out the stump. It's amazing how thick cherry tree roots can get! I would have left it along and used it for a 'stump seat', but it was planted too close to the fence line -- meaning that I have to get it out before I can put the fence back in.
As brutal as this work is, I find it helps me feel as if I'm doing something more than just existing. Spending the last 10 years cranking out awesome system designs and code has done very little to compensate for the major emptiness and loss that I experience from having gone through my second divorce and become a weekend father to my precious and amazing kids.
It's also a relief to be able to spend time with D that's actually meaningful and satisfying on some level. We kicked some serious ass re-grading and leveling this yard, and it's going to be like a shag carpet next summer. Of course, being so small, we can't really do much but look at it.
The other thing that's been going on with me lately has been an interesting challenge to grow in my Christian walk. Or maybe more accurately to get a Christian walk.
Over the past many months, this blog (and Unseen Blogger) has been one of the places where I have been able to lay out, assess and affirm my faith and worldview -- to reflect on what Christ and the Bible have to say about my past and present personal struggles and what I have been called to be.
Much of this time has been wasted trying to convince people through reason, satire and wit (such as I possess) that Christ is Lord and that most of the populist ideals of this culture are pure death. Much of this effort has proven futile, since people are simply stubborn and sinful - me being chief among them. However, I've also gained from having been forced back to God's Word, the spiritual education of my past, the encouragement of others, and the internal witness of the Holy Spirit to affirm that He who saved me is real, true and powerful to effect real and lasting change.
The end result being that I care a whole heck of lot less about being right than I do about being changed. And change is required.
The cherry tree stump is my current object lesson. Last night, I dug around almost half of the radius surrounding it, and cut through at least a dozen very thick roots. Yet this stump is not yet loosened enough to even be moved. Over the course of the lifespan where it achieved about 50 feet in height, it anchored itself into the soil with a tenacity that it belonged where it was planted and that it's purpose in life was to produce sweet fruit in its season.
Now, however, I -- the master and owner of this tree -- have decided that its purpose is to give me not fruit, but rather firewood. As such, its place is not to be rooted into my yard, but to be cut and stacked neatly on the side of the house.
Unfortunately, this old cherry tree is pretty convinced that its self-conception is the right one, and its root system is putting up some serious resistance to my efforts to shape my yard to conform with my vision. So, I am facing a fairly long and messy process of digging up the yard, cutting through one root branch at a time, sifting through the layers of rock and topsoil to uncover more hidden roots, and prying that old stump out of the ground.
I see in this process a metaphor of what God must be doing with me. I've got some deeply set roots in doing and seeing things in my own way -- with a confidence in my own wisdom and vision. On a daily basis, however, I see and feel a gradual tearing away from these roots as God exposes them for what they are: sinful pride, a commitment to pleasure, avoidance of pain, laziness, failure to love or have compassion, and downright obstinance in the face of an all-powerful God.
When Jesus converted me 26 years ago, I believed that He would just take care of everything -- you know, snap His fingers and all of the pain, longing, confusion and bad intent in me would just vanish. After 15 years, I still hadn't really learned any differently and blamed Him for not making things in my marriage right -- for allowing me to suffer that agony of rejection and loss.
Only now, 3 years into my restoration to the fellowship of the saints, am I beginning to see that I have to surrender to this divine surgery -- painful as it might be. The only difference is that the roots have grown deeper and thicker and taken a much more tenacious hold than they had back in the day.
I still wish that it could be quick and painless, but all evidence points to the contrary. Here I am, settled into a life full of consequences. Married to a wife with whom I have virtually no connection on any level and who has no real regard for me -- or my convictions. Stepfather to two little boys who's own scarring has resulted in behavioral problems that try my patience and serve as a goading reminder of my sufferings at the hand of my own father and my failure to be much better for them or the rest of my children. Bitter, suspicious and generally misanthropic from years of unforgiveness and cynicism born out of the mistreatment, rejection and abuse I've both suffered and given. Heartily committed to getting mine, and to hell with everyone else. Spiteful, vindictive, and mocking of those whose views are malformed or lacking the benefits of my education and insight. Basically, at the end of myself and my ability to do a damn thing about it.
So in steps the Lord, operating in His mysterious ways, showing me that I've got to stop struggling in the quicksand of myself and cling to Him while he chops away at these pesky roots.
But, just like I am doing with my cherry tree, He is taking care to only expose what needs to be cut, but ruthlessly severing my connections to these idols of self-sufficiency and perversity.
Of course, the analogy breaks down in that my cherry tree can't run away to keep me from doing my work on it. Conceivably, I can resist this work of the Holy Spirit. However, I'm not so sure that I can really escape the Hound of Heaven. I am starting to believe that I am totally His, and that running will only increase my suffering and diminish my gains here in this life.
Even that is progress for me.
- posted by The Drake @ 12:49 PM
Comments:
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Here's a song that you made me think of-
Baptism of fire, I never knew what that meant
But now the flames are rising higher, I guess I haven't seen anything yet
Because it's coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a phoenix from the ashes, wings across the blue
The only way out is through
Forest of fury, kindling of fear
Oh see how dark the woods have grown after all these years
And now they're coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a lily from the shadows, glistening and perfumed
The only way out is through
All the detours taken never lead you home
What a maze you find yourself in and still alone
Oh you thought it should be easy so the truth eluded you
The only way out is through
Baptism of fire all happening within
Illusions burn like tall grass in a wild and reckless wind
And now they're coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a great bell resurrected, ringing loud and true
The only way out is through
............ Julie Snow
When did this start happening?
Baptism of fire, I never knew what that meant
But now the flames are rising higher, I guess I haven't seen anything yet
Because it's coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a phoenix from the ashes, wings across the blue
The only way out is through
Forest of fury, kindling of fear
Oh see how dark the woods have grown after all these years
And now they're coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a lily from the shadows, glistening and perfumed
The only way out is through
All the detours taken never lead you home
What a maze you find yourself in and still alone
Oh you thought it should be easy so the truth eluded you
The only way out is through
Baptism of fire all happening within
Illusions burn like tall grass in a wild and reckless wind
And now they're coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a great bell resurrected, ringing loud and true
The only way out is through
............ Julie Snow
When did this start happening?
It's always been happening. I've just not always been aware, or have been in denial.
The Bible says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." (Jer. 1:5)
The theological term is sanctification. The Drake term, at least at the moment, is suck. Hard.
The Bible says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." (Jer. 1:5)
The theological term is sanctification. The Drake term, at least at the moment, is suck. Hard.
I've been more sensitive to it lately, within the past month or so.
But this is an ongoing thing, with different degrees of intensity, various areas of emphasis, and alternating patterns of acceptance and resistance on my part.
But this is an ongoing thing, with different degrees of intensity, various areas of emphasis, and alternating patterns of acceptance and resistance on my part.
Would you converse by e-mail with me? If yes, here's my yahoo adress. I don't necessarily want to say everything I want to say to the whole world.
jksvensson@yahoo.co.uk
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jksvensson@yahoo.co.uk
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