9.27.2005
No Direction Home
Last toke: 62 days
Last smoke: 55 days
Saw the last hour of the first installment of this Martin Scorcese-directed documentary of Bob Dylan. Utterly fascinating. It brought back memories of all things hippy and protest and conversion in my past. I remembered my best friend Bryan showing up at a party in our junior year wearing an imitation of the headdress Dylan wore during the concert in Colorado that was broadcast on TV as 'Hard Rain'. I remembered sitting in my bedroom talking to my 85-year old great-grandmother, who was staying with us while she recovered from a stroke, and asked me about my Dylan T-shirt.
"Who's that?", she asked.
"Bob Dylan," I replied, "He's a rock singer."
"Oh? What kinds of songs does he sing?"
"He sings about peace and love and protests against injustice in our society."
"Hm... Those sound like good things."
Grandma Murray could always cut to the heart of the matter.
I remember thinking how cool it was that 'Slow Train Coming' came out right at the same time I became a Christian. I listened to that album non-stop for about 3 months, thinking to myself, "How cool is God? First, He saves Dylan, then He saves me!" Wisdom, it turns out, was MY slow train coming.
Anyway, I was really struck by two things in the documentary. First, was how normally Dylan in the present was speaking, compared to his earlier interviews. Second, was how young and focused he was in his earliest recorded performances. He was so steeped in the folk tradition of Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, et al, that he was an enigma simply from the contrast of his baby-faced youth with his soulful, bluesy eloquence.
As always, I left the encounter feeling like I've become something less than I could have by comparison.
The second part is on PBS' American Masters tonight at 9. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to get some insight into what started out as a vital counter-cultural movement and has now deteriorated into the whining, angry, purposeless left.
- posted by The Drake @ 6:28 AM
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I keep hoping Bob Dylan will find himself again. I have been known to say that if his early self had seen himself as he became he would probably have shot himself.
Are we the same age? I turned 46 in April.
Are we the same age? I turned 46 in April.
I'm actually OK with Dylan where he is. I'd like to see a bit more public affirmation of his faith, but it still seems to be present in his music.
I will turn 46 in December.
I will turn 46 in December.
Drake - like the Dylan stuff, but want to discuss your Friday "ramblings."
You mentioned not being connected to your current wife. I too, at some very brief times, feel a disconnet with my own. I think it is quite normal after being married for some time. People do change and mature at very different speeds.
You see, I am with, you might say, a "trophy wife" as you once stated you would never have. What do you mean by this term? And why would you refuse to have one? I am curious to hear your thoughts as to what, if any concerns/issuses, you might have with this type of person? This is the area where I am most interested in your thoughts.
You mentioned not being connected to your current wife. I too, at some very brief times, feel a disconnet with my own. I think it is quite normal after being married for some time. People do change and mature at very different speeds.
You see, I am with, you might say, a "trophy wife" as you once stated you would never have. What do you mean by this term? And why would you refuse to have one? I am curious to hear your thoughts as to what, if any concerns/issuses, you might have with this type of person? This is the area where I am most interested in your thoughts.
# posted by 
: 9/28/2005 08:41:00 AM
: 9/28/2005 08:41:00 AM
Steve,
When I say "trophy wife", it has more to do with my own motives for being in the relationship than it does with any visible or knowable attributes of the wife. My conception of the phrase is that certain men pursue, seduce and marry women based on how they think it makes THEM look in the eyes of their peers.
Looks, physique, youth, and pedigree are all purely external attributes that seem to be important to men who treat women as trophies.
On the flip side of this relationship contract, I've noticed, on occasion, that certain women willingly become these trophies in exchange for lifestyle perks -- be it money, entree into certain social circles, career advancement, whatever.
In any case, the bottom line being that the relationship comes across as being superficial and not founded on any type of mutual love or respect. Just two people using each other's enviable attributes for their own gain.
So, Steve, if your wife is hot, or younger, or highly esteemed in some way, that doesn't necessarily make her a 'trophy wife'. Good for you, I say.
As I continue to work through the consequences of marrying someone for mostly the wrong reasons, what I long for is a way to connect with her and to establish a common basis for continuing this journey together.
I walked away from the Lord for over a decade and pursued relationships without regard to my real identity in Christ. Along the way, I got married.
Afterwards, I have found it to be extremely difficult to form the bonds the would otherwise have naturally formed from a common commitment to a life in Christ.
So, to answer another question of yours: why would I refuse a trophy wife? I simply don't want a trophy. I want a soul mate. This person, by definition, would be someone who I would find attractive physically, intellectually, and spiritually. She would be my best friend. I would feel better about myself, not based on the reactions of others, but on the realization that I am with my other half.
I thought I had that once, but she threw me to the curb, unable to see how much I was striving to give her all of me. Granted, the results were pretty poor, but the effort was monumental.
And my reaction to that rejection is pretty much why I'm in my current dilemma.
Oh, and btw, I was with my purported soul mate for about 10 years, and while I certainly experienced many disconnects from her along the way, I loved her more passionately when it ended than when it began.
When I say "trophy wife", it has more to do with my own motives for being in the relationship than it does with any visible or knowable attributes of the wife. My conception of the phrase is that certain men pursue, seduce and marry women based on how they think it makes THEM look in the eyes of their peers.
Looks, physique, youth, and pedigree are all purely external attributes that seem to be important to men who treat women as trophies.
On the flip side of this relationship contract, I've noticed, on occasion, that certain women willingly become these trophies in exchange for lifestyle perks -- be it money, entree into certain social circles, career advancement, whatever.
In any case, the bottom line being that the relationship comes across as being superficial and not founded on any type of mutual love or respect. Just two people using each other's enviable attributes for their own gain.
So, Steve, if your wife is hot, or younger, or highly esteemed in some way, that doesn't necessarily make her a 'trophy wife'. Good for you, I say.
As I continue to work through the consequences of marrying someone for mostly the wrong reasons, what I long for is a way to connect with her and to establish a common basis for continuing this journey together.
I walked away from the Lord for over a decade and pursued relationships without regard to my real identity in Christ. Along the way, I got married.
Afterwards, I have found it to be extremely difficult to form the bonds the would otherwise have naturally formed from a common commitment to a life in Christ.
So, to answer another question of yours: why would I refuse a trophy wife? I simply don't want a trophy. I want a soul mate. This person, by definition, would be someone who I would find attractive physically, intellectually, and spiritually. She would be my best friend. I would feel better about myself, not based on the reactions of others, but on the realization that I am with my other half.
I thought I had that once, but she threw me to the curb, unable to see how much I was striving to give her all of me. Granted, the results were pretty poor, but the effort was monumental.
And my reaction to that rejection is pretty much why I'm in my current dilemma.
Oh, and btw, I was with my purported soul mate for about 10 years, and while I certainly experienced many disconnects from her along the way, I loved her more passionately when it ended than when it began.
i know you have been married a few times. my goal is to have and keep the 1 wife i have had now for about 12 years. you see, i love my wife and know she is my soul mate. at times i do some pretty petty, stupid things that upset her in some ways. none of these behaviors include abuse or infidelity.
you see, i love this woman so muxh that i feel that need to protect her, as well as attmept to "correct" some of her behaviors. why do i need to do this? simply becuase i do not trust any men and their motives. my wife is friendly and can easliy be taken advantage of. she can be gullible. i am in no way saying she is stupid, or blind to trouble, but she ususally sees the good in people. whereas i tend to focus and stay guarded on the potential bad in people. i, at times, seem overprotectve in the name of love. is it out of fear, jealously, insecurity?? i don't know. i trust this woman about 99%. how do i make it 100%?? any ideas that will settle my ass down???
i married her for the right reasons and i want to keep her for the right reasons. somewhere along the way, i changed and became this father figure rather than a "normal" husband.
bottom line - i can be as ass in the name of love. she knows i love her. will my need to protect her eventully destroy our marriage? not sure? i know i cannot change the way i feel. i guess i should just take 1 day at a time......
i dont know what i am saying any more........damn....
you see, i love this woman so muxh that i feel that need to protect her, as well as attmept to "correct" some of her behaviors. why do i need to do this? simply becuase i do not trust any men and their motives. my wife is friendly and can easliy be taken advantage of. she can be gullible. i am in no way saying she is stupid, or blind to trouble, but she ususally sees the good in people. whereas i tend to focus and stay guarded on the potential bad in people. i, at times, seem overprotectve in the name of love. is it out of fear, jealously, insecurity?? i don't know. i trust this woman about 99%. how do i make it 100%?? any ideas that will settle my ass down???
i married her for the right reasons and i want to keep her for the right reasons. somewhere along the way, i changed and became this father figure rather than a "normal" husband.
bottom line - i can be as ass in the name of love. she knows i love her. will my need to protect her eventully destroy our marriage? not sure? i know i cannot change the way i feel. i guess i should just take 1 day at a time......
i dont know what i am saying any more........damn....
# posted by : 9/28/2005 05:07:00 PM
: 9/28/2005 05:07:00 PM
Steve,
Your goal is a good one. Multiple marriages have diluted my ability to love, trust, or even give a shit at times.
The only thing that I can say from my own experience is that controlling behaviors are poison to any relationship. While it may seem like you are trying to protect her from herself, it sounds more like you are trying to protect yourself from being betrayed.
There simply are no guarantees. It sounds like you truly love your wife, and that kind of love can make a man crazy if he's not willing to let go and trust God for what he needs.
Easier said than done, I know for a fact. But if she feels patronized or belittled by you, you risk losing her respect for you -- and maybe a whole lot more.
but your desire to protect her is a good one, i think. from what i've done wrong, i've come to the conclusion that if a woman knows that you cherish her, will protect her and make her feel safe with you, she isn't going anywhere if she loves you back. if she doesn't, then there's precious little you can do.
doesn't sound like that's your situation, though. have confidence in your bond of 12 years and keep focusing on how much she means to you, less on her faults, and i'm guessing that you'll be better able to relax and enjoy the blessing that your marriage appears to be.
i'm envious of you, actually.
Your goal is a good one. Multiple marriages have diluted my ability to love, trust, or even give a shit at times.
The only thing that I can say from my own experience is that controlling behaviors are poison to any relationship. While it may seem like you are trying to protect her from herself, it sounds more like you are trying to protect yourself from being betrayed.
There simply are no guarantees. It sounds like you truly love your wife, and that kind of love can make a man crazy if he's not willing to let go and trust God for what he needs.
Easier said than done, I know for a fact. But if she feels patronized or belittled by you, you risk losing her respect for you -- and maybe a whole lot more.
but your desire to protect her is a good one, i think. from what i've done wrong, i've come to the conclusion that if a woman knows that you cherish her, will protect her and make her feel safe with you, she isn't going anywhere if she loves you back. if she doesn't, then there's precious little you can do.
doesn't sound like that's your situation, though. have confidence in your bond of 12 years and keep focusing on how much she means to you, less on her faults, and i'm guessing that you'll be better able to relax and enjoy the blessing that your marriage appears to be.
i'm envious of you, actually.
steve,
reading my last comment, i wanted to clarify, in case I was misunderstood. sometimes i write too quickly and put in gaps...
when i wrote, "doesn't sound like that's your situation, though.", i was only referring to the possibility that your wife wasn't loving you back, not making a judgement on whether she felt cherished, protected, etc...
from what you wrote, there seems to be good reason to believe that she does know/feel those things.
I am praying for you that you will overcome your obstacles in this situation and come to a peace in your marriage.
one last thought. all relationships are temporary, even the best of them -- because death hovers on the horizon for all of us. and beyond that veil is a reality that makes what we experience now, not irrelevant, but incomplete by comparison.
Blessings.
reading my last comment, i wanted to clarify, in case I was misunderstood. sometimes i write too quickly and put in gaps...
when i wrote, "doesn't sound like that's your situation, though.", i was only referring to the possibility that your wife wasn't loving you back, not making a judgement on whether she felt cherished, protected, etc...
from what you wrote, there seems to be good reason to believe that she does know/feel those things.
I am praying for you that you will overcome your obstacles in this situation and come to a peace in your marriage.
one last thought. all relationships are temporary, even the best of them -- because death hovers on the horizon for all of us. and beyond that veil is a reality that makes what we experience now, not irrelevant, but incomplete by comparison.
Blessings.
drake - this i believe is the source of my "insecurities" in my marriage that i mentioned -
i can honstely say this. awhile ago ( 2 months ), during my morning prayers, i was thanking God for my life. good, bad and ugly. i must admit, life is good for me. as i was praying, evil pierced through. i truly belived Lucifer himself interupted my moment of joy.
my reaction was this - i mentally challenged the evil being. i said "you know what, i have love in my life and it can withstand anything you throw at me." i concluded my prayers and left feeling vindicated in some strange way.
2 months later, i have ran into some difficulty with my health and most recently, my marriage. along with difficulties in other relationships.
is this for real?? perhaps. but i threw the gauntlet down and said "bring it on." i did not realize that the evil one might take me up on it. i think he did and enjoys getting into the hearts, minds, and souls of others. it seems some very strange things are happeneing to me.
i can deal wiht these things due to my faith in God. i am up for the challenge.
what do you think, drake? am i crazy??
i can honstely say this. awhile ago ( 2 months ), during my morning prayers, i was thanking God for my life. good, bad and ugly. i must admit, life is good for me. as i was praying, evil pierced through. i truly belived Lucifer himself interupted my moment of joy.
my reaction was this - i mentally challenged the evil being. i said "you know what, i have love in my life and it can withstand anything you throw at me." i concluded my prayers and left feeling vindicated in some strange way.
2 months later, i have ran into some difficulty with my health and most recently, my marriage. along with difficulties in other relationships.
is this for real?? perhaps. but i threw the gauntlet down and said "bring it on." i did not realize that the evil one might take me up on it. i think he did and enjoys getting into the hearts, minds, and souls of others. it seems some very strange things are happeneing to me.
i can deal wiht these things due to my faith in God. i am up for the challenge.
what do you think, drake? am i crazy??
# posted by : 9/29/2005 03:34:00 PM
: 9/29/2005 03:34:00 PM
Steve,
I wonder if you are being honest. You don't sound like someone who's come face to face with evil.
I wonder if you are being honest. You don't sound like someone who's come face to face with evil.
Drake,
Sorry to butt in on a conversation. I just wonder if this guy's messing with you. He seems a bit inconsistent. I can be wrong, of course.
Sorry to butt in on a conversation. I just wonder if this guy's messing with you. He seems a bit inconsistent. I can be wrong, of course.
hmmmm....
i won't make any judgements on whether someone is being honest, based on what they write. being separated by cyberspace, i can only take what they say at face value.
as for confronting the Evil One, this is something that I don't have much to say that you can't easily find in the Bible.
James 4:6-8 says everything that I would think is pertinent to this scenario:
"6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
My only concern with what you've said is that you might have given into pride in your challenge to Satan. You stated that you have 'love' in your life, but the only thing that can protect you from the wiles of the devil is your humble dependence on the Lord.
If you've made the mistake of thinking that you have anything in and of yourself to take on the devil, you need to repent of it right away. The devil smiles when we puff out our chests and say "bring it on!" because he knows that you've forgotten the source of your strength.
I'd close by reminding you of the final phrases of the Lord's Prayer:
"And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. For THINE is the Kingdom, and the POWER, and the glory forever. Amen." (CAPS MINE)
You may be experiencing a trial or a consequence. Either way, you have in Christ all that you need to win.
Only that which is built on Christ will withstand in the final analysis.
And that's a good thing, I think.
i won't make any judgements on whether someone is being honest, based on what they write. being separated by cyberspace, i can only take what they say at face value.
as for confronting the Evil One, this is something that I don't have much to say that you can't easily find in the Bible.
James 4:6-8 says everything that I would think is pertinent to this scenario:
"6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
My only concern with what you've said is that you might have given into pride in your challenge to Satan. You stated that you have 'love' in your life, but the only thing that can protect you from the wiles of the devil is your humble dependence on the Lord.
If you've made the mistake of thinking that you have anything in and of yourself to take on the devil, you need to repent of it right away. The devil smiles when we puff out our chests and say "bring it on!" because he knows that you've forgotten the source of your strength.
I'd close by reminding you of the final phrases of the Lord's Prayer:
"And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. For THINE is the Kingdom, and the POWER, and the glory forever. Amen." (CAPS MINE)
You may be experiencing a trial or a consequence. Either way, you have in Christ all that you need to win.
Only that which is built on Christ will withstand in the final analysis.
And that's a good thing, I think.
Steve,
Just out of curiosity, what is it that makes your marriage so important and central to your current struggles?
In what areas do you feel that you are being attacked?
Most of my experience tends to one of two things: 1) I am totally in opposition to God's will in my behavior and am driving people away; or 2) the other person is drifting away of their own volition, for their own reasons, and I can do nothing but watch it happen.
Just out of curiosity, what is it that makes your marriage so important and central to your current struggles?
In what areas do you feel that you are being attacked?
Most of my experience tends to one of two things: 1) I am totally in opposition to God's will in my behavior and am driving people away; or 2) the other person is drifting away of their own volition, for their own reasons, and I can do nothing but watch it happen.
i think you are correct - drifting is occuring and i am powerless.
it is in God's hands. while i will do what i can to save it, i will accept the consequences.
it is central because it is the most important thing in my life.
no drake - i am not messing with you. trying to learn from your experiences. thanks again!
steve
it is in God's hands. while i will do what i can to save it, i will accept the consequences.
it is central because it is the most important thing in my life.
no drake - i am not messing with you. trying to learn from your experiences. thanks again!
steve
# posted by : 9/30/2005 10:16:00 AM
: 9/30/2005 10:16:00 AM
"it is central because it is the most important thing in my life."
please understand that I am in no way judging you, but this is precisely what caused me to lose my mind when wrestling with the collapse of my second marriage. it became an idol, and i'm pretty sure that was a major reason that God let it collapse.
this is a hard thing, i know. when you love someone so passionately that losing them feels like death... oblivion... then you are vulnerable to doing some pretty desparate -- and wrong -- things. at least i was. and did.
God wants us to have no one before Him. Jesus talked about hating mothers, wives, brothers and sisters for the sake of the Kingdom of God. It sounds harsh, but I think that it's really a mercy in disguise.
If you come to a place of devotion to God where your 'love' for others seems like disregard or even hate by comparison (a place I myself am very far from, btw) then aren't we really placing our hearts into the hands of the only one who will never let us down or leave us? And if these others do leave, by whatever means, are we not prevented from being undone? From losing our minds?
I only wish I had come to that point ten or twelve years ago.
please understand that I am in no way judging you, but this is precisely what caused me to lose my mind when wrestling with the collapse of my second marriage. it became an idol, and i'm pretty sure that was a major reason that God let it collapse.
this is a hard thing, i know. when you love someone so passionately that losing them feels like death... oblivion... then you are vulnerable to doing some pretty desparate -- and wrong -- things. at least i was. and did.
God wants us to have no one before Him. Jesus talked about hating mothers, wives, brothers and sisters for the sake of the Kingdom of God. It sounds harsh, but I think that it's really a mercy in disguise.
If you come to a place of devotion to God where your 'love' for others seems like disregard or even hate by comparison (a place I myself am very far from, btw) then aren't we really placing our hearts into the hands of the only one who will never let us down or leave us? And if these others do leave, by whatever means, are we not prevented from being undone? From losing our minds?
I only wish I had come to that point ten or twelve years ago.
you know - you are right. He will never let us down. "Thy will be done."
and thanks for the spiritual eye opener....
steve
and thanks for the spiritual eye opener....
steve
# posted by : 9/30/2005 12:28:00 PM
: 9/30/2005 12:28:00 PM
I've lurked this thread ...
Drake - thanks for your openness. You provide much to munch on. Thanks.
Steve - you want something to calm you down? Prayer. Each and every morning and night commit your wife to the care of God. Place her in His hands each day. Request that she do the same for you. Malachi 2 (although directly commenting on the Jewish people) has a few nuggets for us men. Give it a read.
Jeanne - simply, hello! No fuss no muss, just a friendly greeting!
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Drake - thanks for your openness. You provide much to munch on. Thanks.
Steve - you want something to calm you down? Prayer. Each and every morning and night commit your wife to the care of God. Place her in His hands each day. Request that she do the same for you. Malachi 2 (although directly commenting on the Jewish people) has a few nuggets for us men. Give it a read.
Jeanne - simply, hello! No fuss no muss, just a friendly greeting!
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