The Splitsville Epilogue

From the brightest star
Comes the blackest hole
You had so much to offer
Why did you offer your soul?
I was there for you baby
When you needed my help
Would you deny for others
What you demand for yourself?

Cool down mama, cool off
Cool down mama, cool off

You speak of signs and wonders
I need something other
I would believe if I was able
But I'm waiting on the crumbs from your table

U2 - Crumbs From Your Table

Last night was one I'll never forget. It started off with me, Samson, Bibby, John, Bill and B-Wag having lagers and eats at Applebee's. Except Bibby, that is. He started off strong with an iced tea and quickly moved down to water. Wuss.

This circle of men left their newborns, pregnant wives and domestic chores to spend an hour or more with me while D loaded her UHaul with a some friends from work. Each of these guys brings a different dimension of friendship to the table. Samson and B-Wag are the ones with whom I can talk theology, politics, and culture. Most of them golf. John is the ABF leader and has a real gift for preaching, if not for theology. Bibby is one of maybe 3 other 40-something guys in the group. And Bill is the guy whose private adoption fell through, only to have the birth mother change her mind again and give the baby back. I've had a unique beginning to my relationship with him. When the adoption fell through, I wrote he and his wife an email that conveyed -- somehow -- the depth of feeling I had for their pain. It is one of the few times I have felt that my writing has really succeeded in communicating my heart. It opened the door for us to open a dialogue, and he was the first one to step into the breach with me after I sent out the group email I posted yesterday.

These brothers, and a few other siblings, have materialized in front of me as a core group of leaders in our midst, whose hearts for God and others have encouraged me over the past week. I am not going to let go of this gift as easily as I let go of my marriage.

By the time I got home, D was fully loaded and putting her boys to bed. Seeing as her bed was in the truck, I quickly realized that the only Christian thing to do was to offer to share mine. And share we did. Three times, including this morning's wake up call. What I gave her over the course of those couple of hours was the best I could give in that area. Yet I felt no sense of loss this morning as I examined the dime-shaped love bite she laid on my left shoulder.

I honestly believe that I made the best possible choices in comporting myself through these last two days of our relationship. No recriminations, just the best I knew how to let her know that I will miss her and regret that she will miss out on the winter flowering of my restoration. But maybe it couldn't have happened any other way. There was just too much focus on the pain in each of us by ourselves and an unwillingness to set it aside to focus on soothing the pain of the other.

As she stood at the front door at 6 am this morning, ready to leave for her new life, things broke down a bit. Stiff upper lip, and all. A quick, but gentle kiss. A last look into each other's eyes, seeing the finality of it all and accepting it.

And that was it. No hug. No I love you's. Just the freedom to let go and walk on without either of us having the last word. Maybe it's a sign that the last word hasn't been spoken. Bridges intact and doors left open, but also no backward looks.

Time to get my feet back on the path.
- posted by The Drake @ 9:44 AM