11.14.2005
Update from Splitsville
Last toke: 110 days
Last smoke: 103 days
My weekend started with the revelation that D. had gone and got herself a job in Maryland, with a probable start date in early December. I knew that she had gone there on an interview, only because she wanted me to adjust my work schedule to take care of her kids while she was gone. As if.
This new job represents a significant bump in gross pay for D., probably about $15K. Unfortunately, I don't believe she is taking into account the differences between living 5 min. from your job in Beaver County to one requiring some sort of commute in suburban Baltimore. Based on my best estimation, she will require an additional $6K just to maintain her existing standard of living. That's not taking into consideration that she's promising to pay me an additional $200 per month to avoid me having to allow foreclosure on the house.
Of course, when one is so intent on leaving the difficulties of having a real marriage in the face of disappointed fantasy, I guess no price is too high. Besides, she will be living near her father -- a huge bonus, considering this is the guy who abandoned her when she was 9 so that he could continue on HIS merry way through 4 marriages as some sort of nominal Christian whose first drink of the day usually occurs before noon. Unresolved Daddy issues seem to be high on my list of things to look for in a potential mate.
So after letting me pick up her kids and feed them on Friday night, she proceeds to spend the rest of the weekend -- which happened to include my kids' visitation, along with one of my oldest son's friends -- packing up as much of her shit as she could with ten times more energy than I've ever seen her put into either her kids or this so-called marriage.
Yesterday, after enduring her in my bed because there's no place else for her when my kids are in town, she rolls over and asks me if I'm blowing of church again. Ever heard of the Theater of the Absurd? Any conversation I have with this deluded woman lately seem to take on that surreal tinge.
When I tell her that, yes, I am planning on not enduring two hours of hypocrisy and shame over this sad situation, I ask her if she's going. Oh yes, of course she is, as if that was the most ludricrous question I could ask. Of course, she's not going to have any meaningful interactions with anyone, nor tell a soul what it is that she is doing. I guess she's just going there to ask for God's Blessing on her flight plan, and pray that He will somehow compensate for her woeful lack of parenting and provision of things that matter in the lives of her boys so that she can get on with finding a life that's more to her liking.
My response? A snort and a smirk. I want nothing to do with this charade. I don't feel like having a bunch of well meaning brothers and sisters dig into this open wound. I don't feel like talking to God about it, so why should I bother showing up at His House? For some strange reason, I also can't just go and pretend and not talk about what's going on to those people with whom I've developed a bit of a relationship. I can't seem to quite put my finger on the reason why.... Oh! I remember now! Because it's what the communion of saints is for, among other things.
I figure that I'll just pout a little longer, and wait for her to go away without an explanation. That way, when I show back up, I can at least let them know why they'll never see or hear from her again.
Well, D. does not take too kindly to my little display of utter disgust with her hypocrisy, and feels the need to straighten me out. She believes in Jesus, she says, and that's why she continues to go to church.
Oh really? I had to bite down on my lip to keep from laughing right in her face. I did manage a spiteful comment about believing but not following, but it just felt mean and hollow. The same can most definitely be said about me. I can't really put it into words, but there's just something not right whenever she talks about her... Faith? No, I can't really call it that. She's been right there when God has done some pretty frickin' amazing things, but she just seems able to brush it off like it never happened. No, I guess what she has is some sort of religion built up in her mind that allows her to continue down this self-destructive path without any concern or fear about what it's going to cost her or her children. It's sad, really.
Mind you, I'm not propping myself up as some sort of model to emulate. Fuck, no. I've got consequences of my own on hand and up the road a bit. I guess the difference is that I realize that there's no way out or around the reality of God's Hand on my life. I just need to stopped choosing to let it rest so damn heavy.
- posted by The Drake @ 11:28 AM
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sounds like splitsville is not a veyr nice place to be. i am sorry for your difficulties.
what is it with people who just bail? i do not know how they can do it.
what is she running from? or what is she running to? it is all very confusing to me?
how are you drake? where is your mind these days? sounds like a near bout of depression, confusion and a state of anger.
what are you plans? afterall you have to take care of yourself and your life? how will you manage?
i wish you well. but can only think of the difficulties ahead. who knows drkae, maybe a better life is ahead. a new woman...or not. maybe a new friend.
godd luck my friend. tell D goodbye and refrain from the nastiness.
what is it with people who just bail? i do not know how they can do it.
what is she running from? or what is she running to? it is all very confusing to me?
how are you drake? where is your mind these days? sounds like a near bout of depression, confusion and a state of anger.
what are you plans? afterall you have to take care of yourself and your life? how will you manage?
i wish you well. but can only think of the difficulties ahead. who knows drkae, maybe a better life is ahead. a new woman...or not. maybe a new friend.
godd luck my friend. tell D goodbye and refrain from the nastiness.
# posted by 
: 11/14/2005 02:14:00 PM
: 11/14/2005 02:14:00 PM
Thanks, Mark, for your supportive words.
This trip to Splitsville is not nearly as bad as the other two, but it does sting a bit to feel -- in my weaker moments -- like I am doomed to be without a mate.
Right now, a lot of the irritability comes from feelings of chaos, as my home becomes cluttered with the evidences of her leaving. Personally, it would be nicer for me if I came home tonight, and she was just gone.
i don't really have any plans at the moment. i am just taking this one day at a time. if i can't afford to keep the house, it goes. if the Lord sends along my soul mate, I will embrace her and try again. In the meantime, I am simply hoping to find the will to stop being cynical and get back into a sincere walk with Christ and a life more characterized by love than wasted regret and shame.
There is an imbalance right now that makes trying to be a Christian seem more like a burden than a deliverance. While I've certainly seem more than enough evidence of God's love and grace in my life, I can't seem to shake this feeling of hopelessness that my days will always be characterized by missing out on something bigger than my own pathetic, little soap opera.
This trip to Splitsville is not nearly as bad as the other two, but it does sting a bit to feel -- in my weaker moments -- like I am doomed to be without a mate.
Right now, a lot of the irritability comes from feelings of chaos, as my home becomes cluttered with the evidences of her leaving. Personally, it would be nicer for me if I came home tonight, and she was just gone.
i don't really have any plans at the moment. i am just taking this one day at a time. if i can't afford to keep the house, it goes. if the Lord sends along my soul mate, I will embrace her and try again. In the meantime, I am simply hoping to find the will to stop being cynical and get back into a sincere walk with Christ and a life more characterized by love than wasted regret and shame.
There is an imbalance right now that makes trying to be a Christian seem more like a burden than a deliverance. While I've certainly seem more than enough evidence of God's love and grace in my life, I can't seem to shake this feeling of hopelessness that my days will always be characterized by missing out on something bigger than my own pathetic, little soap opera.
You don't have to deserve or want forgiveness or help (from God that is, not Church). It's enough to wish you wanted it. It's enough to wish you wished you wanted it.
If you feel about "her" children the way you write about them, it's lucky she's taking them away from you.
If you feel about "her" children the way you write about them, it's lucky she's taking them away from you.
Jeanne,
There's this little thing called repentance that you seem to like to ignore. Moreover, Jesus did a little thing called the Sermon on the Mount where, among many other useful things, He stated that if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you.
So I'd say that wishing for God's forgiveness is not quite enough.
As for your comment about 'her', that's pretty much what I'd expect to hear from someone who was unable to weed out feminist propaganda from God's revealed truth.
I've not stated anyone how I feel about these boys, just that I am not too keen about 'her' assuming that I'm going to take care of them while she works out her flight from her responsibility to both them and me.
Actually, I feel very sorry for these two. Their mother has consistently denied them the stability, nurture, structure and positive male influence that they need in order not too suffer terribly from their father's abandonment. Instead, she continues to move from one relationship and situation to another, dragging them along and ignoring their best interests in the process.
For my part, it HAS been difficult to love these boys as I ought, considering that she moved them in with me for 15 months, out by herself for 5 months, then back in again for another 15 months - if she leaves by December. Taken together with the fact that she has packed her shit no less than 3 times in this most recent 15 month period, it has been nearly impossible for any of the males in the house to count on any kind of continuity.
This is the kind of damage that mainstream, horseshit, feminist ideals are doing to children and men all over this country. Is it any wonder that men are hostile? From our mothers to our mates, most of the women we try and love basically treat us like expendable pieces of dogshit.
I regret that I didn't give these boys more, and that I surrendered to the futility of the situation. God is more powerful than that.
There's this little thing called repentance that you seem to like to ignore. Moreover, Jesus did a little thing called the Sermon on the Mount where, among many other useful things, He stated that if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you.
So I'd say that wishing for God's forgiveness is not quite enough.
As for your comment about 'her', that's pretty much what I'd expect to hear from someone who was unable to weed out feminist propaganda from God's revealed truth.
I've not stated anyone how I feel about these boys, just that I am not too keen about 'her' assuming that I'm going to take care of them while she works out her flight from her responsibility to both them and me.
Actually, I feel very sorry for these two. Their mother has consistently denied them the stability, nurture, structure and positive male influence that they need in order not too suffer terribly from their father's abandonment. Instead, she continues to move from one relationship and situation to another, dragging them along and ignoring their best interests in the process.
For my part, it HAS been difficult to love these boys as I ought, considering that she moved them in with me for 15 months, out by herself for 5 months, then back in again for another 15 months - if she leaves by December. Taken together with the fact that she has packed her shit no less than 3 times in this most recent 15 month period, it has been nearly impossible for any of the males in the house to count on any kind of continuity.
This is the kind of damage that mainstream, horseshit, feminist ideals are doing to children and men all over this country. Is it any wonder that men are hostile? From our mothers to our mates, most of the women we try and love basically treat us like expendable pieces of dogshit.
I regret that I didn't give these boys more, and that I surrendered to the futility of the situation. God is more powerful than that.
You're sounding like a pretty expendable piece of dogshit these days.
I never said, and never have said, that you don't have to repent. I merely pointed out to your blockheaded belief that youi need to be worthy of God before you have any reason to converse with him is arrogant and wrong. Having trouble repenting? Ask for insight. Having trouble wanting another point of view? Ask for help. Admit you're at the end of your rope. You're the one who hasn't understood that you aren't capable of creating your own right to salvation.
Your tone of voice when you discuss those boys says more than words. I care more for the kids who follow my kids home than you do for those under your own roof. Aren't these the two that should have been christened Adolf and Musselini, or whoever it was along those lines?
Feminism? Right. Do you think God is such a cruel asshole that he makes woman capable of thinking and then denies them the right? You have no idea who has authority in our household, and in what form, so I would stop with the assumptions if I were you. I said that women have a right to be who they are. Nothing in the bible denies that. If people are honest with themselves they find the forms of authority and freedom that are intended. It's the way they were designed. You have so little faith in God's good intentions anyone would think you think he made it difficult on purpose.
I haven't been pissed off with you for a while, but you're making up for lost time here.
I never said, and never have said, that you don't have to repent. I merely pointed out to your blockheaded belief that youi need to be worthy of God before you have any reason to converse with him is arrogant and wrong. Having trouble repenting? Ask for insight. Having trouble wanting another point of view? Ask for help. Admit you're at the end of your rope. You're the one who hasn't understood that you aren't capable of creating your own right to salvation.
Your tone of voice when you discuss those boys says more than words. I care more for the kids who follow my kids home than you do for those under your own roof. Aren't these the two that should have been christened Adolf and Musselini, or whoever it was along those lines?
Feminism? Right. Do you think God is such a cruel asshole that he makes woman capable of thinking and then denies them the right? You have no idea who has authority in our household, and in what form, so I would stop with the assumptions if I were you. I said that women have a right to be who they are. Nothing in the bible denies that. If people are honest with themselves they find the forms of authority and freedom that are intended. It's the way they were designed. You have so little faith in God's good intentions anyone would think you think he made it difficult on purpose.
I haven't been pissed off with you for a while, but you're making up for lost time here.
I'm sorry.
I basically only lose my temper like that when my feelings are hurt, which they are. I've calmed down now.
No, I don't believe in staying in a destructive marriage. That's not the same thing as giving up on a whim. BUT... what I mainly don't believe in is assumptions and generalizations. I do trust God. I trust that if people are honest, and listen, God will let them know what is right to do in any situation they're in. I also trust in forgiveness at any point. Sometimes there is atonement required, but that is made clear in each situation too. That is my personal experience. You can not fuck up even intentionally to the point where you can't recieve help. Help is always there.
I basically only lose my temper like that when my feelings are hurt, which they are. I've calmed down now.
No, I don't believe in staying in a destructive marriage. That's not the same thing as giving up on a whim. BUT... what I mainly don't believe in is assumptions and generalizations. I do trust God. I trust that if people are honest, and listen, God will let them know what is right to do in any situation they're in. I also trust in forgiveness at any point. Sometimes there is atonement required, but that is made clear in each situation too. That is my personal experience. You can not fuck up even intentionally to the point where you can't recieve help. Help is always there.
hmmmm... it's interesting how easy it is to find something in a 'tone' that hasn't been said or lived -- for all anyone who reads my words on this blog can know.
to be clear, I am under no illusion who is God here and who is not. i never said that the obstacle to grace was my feeling of unworthiness or lack of access. i said, pretty clearly i thought, that it was more a question of unwillingness. i haven't felt like talking to God about any of this, so I am not.
if i'm not willing to go there, i'm certainly not willing to take shit from someone who has no idea what it's like to live with the consequences of the poison of feminism.
you see, while feminists love to extol their equality -- because God actually did give them the power of thought -- they seem to get a free pass when it comes to bailing out on their commitments or inflicting their own emotional damage on the children that they drag along behind them on their merry way to self-fulfillment.
and no, i'm not lumping everyone together here. my feelings and attitudes about this are born personal experiences with every significant woman in my life from my mother on. well, except for my sainted great-grandmother Murray.
if i'm such a horrible person to be around, why bother with me in the first place? my oldest daughter actually grew up believing that i possessed a dark power to manipulate women to my will, only to reveal my true character when it was too late. my second wife, much the same story. D.'s common complaint is that she was 'forced' by God and I to come back. Forced!
my mother's big excuse for not taking my sister and i away from the asshole whose last name i share is that she didn't think she could make it on her own. The woman possessed a teaching degree by the time i was 12 at a time when teaching unions were enabling quite a bit of prosperity and security in this state. she just didn't have the balls.
that's right. balls. because that's what it takes to make the tough decisions in this life. not empathy. not touchy-feely-warm-and-fuzzies. it's takes commitment and guts and character to do the right thing against whatever opposition this world and the devil throws at you.
this is what men in this world do every fucking day. no excuses. no free pass. you make a choice and you live with the consequences.
with the above stated grandmotherly exception, no woman i've ever known or cared about has given me anything that i really need in this life.
i'm not interested in your theories about women being who they were designed to be when all i've ever personally experienced is a pervavise tendency to blame and make excuses.
to be clear, I am under no illusion who is God here and who is not. i never said that the obstacle to grace was my feeling of unworthiness or lack of access. i said, pretty clearly i thought, that it was more a question of unwillingness. i haven't felt like talking to God about any of this, so I am not.
if i'm not willing to go there, i'm certainly not willing to take shit from someone who has no idea what it's like to live with the consequences of the poison of feminism.
you see, while feminists love to extol their equality -- because God actually did give them the power of thought -- they seem to get a free pass when it comes to bailing out on their commitments or inflicting their own emotional damage on the children that they drag along behind them on their merry way to self-fulfillment.
and no, i'm not lumping everyone together here. my feelings and attitudes about this are born personal experiences with every significant woman in my life from my mother on. well, except for my sainted great-grandmother Murray.
if i'm such a horrible person to be around, why bother with me in the first place? my oldest daughter actually grew up believing that i possessed a dark power to manipulate women to my will, only to reveal my true character when it was too late. my second wife, much the same story. D.'s common complaint is that she was 'forced' by God and I to come back. Forced!
my mother's big excuse for not taking my sister and i away from the asshole whose last name i share is that she didn't think she could make it on her own. The woman possessed a teaching degree by the time i was 12 at a time when teaching unions were enabling quite a bit of prosperity and security in this state. she just didn't have the balls.
that's right. balls. because that's what it takes to make the tough decisions in this life. not empathy. not touchy-feely-warm-and-fuzzies. it's takes commitment and guts and character to do the right thing against whatever opposition this world and the devil throws at you.
this is what men in this world do every fucking day. no excuses. no free pass. you make a choice and you live with the consequences.
with the above stated grandmotherly exception, no woman i've ever known or cared about has given me anything that i really need in this life.
i'm not interested in your theories about women being who they were designed to be when all i've ever personally experienced is a pervavise tendency to blame and make excuses.
well, thanks for the apology, but obviously i've already responded with my own attitude.
define destructive marriage.
maybe it's just me, but even that phrase feels like an accusation. this is the extent to which i have been affected by this mindset.
it just sounds like code for 'abusive relationship', and we all know who's the bad guy there.
i'm just tired of being the scapegoat for these women's unwillingness to take responsibility for getting into a relationship with me with blinders on, expecting me to be someone else once they can no longer maintain their delusion, and finally chickening out rather than trust God to make gold out of shit.
which i've heard He can do.
define destructive marriage.
maybe it's just me, but even that phrase feels like an accusation. this is the extent to which i have been affected by this mindset.
it just sounds like code for 'abusive relationship', and we all know who's the bad guy there.
i'm just tired of being the scapegoat for these women's unwillingness to take responsibility for getting into a relationship with me with blinders on, expecting me to be someone else once they can no longer maintain their delusion, and finally chickening out rather than trust God to make gold out of shit.
which i've heard He can do.
I was absolutely not accusing you of being abusive.
I think destructive marraiges are marraiges in which two people are so missmatched, and so aware of the fact that they have not met their soulmate, that they are miserable, and possibly as a result even cruel, because they feel trapped. That is destructive for all the individuals involved, and no amount of good intentions can compensate for the effects of misery on other people, particularly children. I don't see it as anyone's fault.
Your mother should have left, but every other woman should stay?
You said in your last post that you seemed to be doomed to be attracted to women who turned out to have problem relationships with their fathers. You had a problem relationship with your father yourself. Isn't it possible that what attracts you to each other is the same kind of coping mechanism, so that you reinforce each other in your attempts to deny for yourselves the power a negligent parent exerts over a child's adult life? It would seem to imply a repeating pattern, in which you irritate each other as soon as you know each other well enough to realize the apparent involnerability is false. If you come to grips with what you're trying to avoid, maybe you won't fall into that trap again.
Men are not saints. For every woman who falls short of goodness, there is a man who does it too. Men cheat, decieve, desert, abuse. Not all, but some. They do not seem to take responsibility any more than women do. That the law is undoubtedly biased in the favor of women when it comes to custody does not mean that women are more evil than men.
Who said you were a horrible person to be around? Not I. I said you hurt my feelings. You did. You hurt my feelings because you know me better, or should at this point, than to accuse me of falling prey to feminist propoganda. Call me a fool if you like, but I am my own fool.
I personally like you, which I thought you knew by now. But you sure can be an asshole.
I think destructive marraiges are marraiges in which two people are so missmatched, and so aware of the fact that they have not met their soulmate, that they are miserable, and possibly as a result even cruel, because they feel trapped. That is destructive for all the individuals involved, and no amount of good intentions can compensate for the effects of misery on other people, particularly children. I don't see it as anyone's fault.
Your mother should have left, but every other woman should stay?
You said in your last post that you seemed to be doomed to be attracted to women who turned out to have problem relationships with their fathers. You had a problem relationship with your father yourself. Isn't it possible that what attracts you to each other is the same kind of coping mechanism, so that you reinforce each other in your attempts to deny for yourselves the power a negligent parent exerts over a child's adult life? It would seem to imply a repeating pattern, in which you irritate each other as soon as you know each other well enough to realize the apparent involnerability is false. If you come to grips with what you're trying to avoid, maybe you won't fall into that trap again.
Men are not saints. For every woman who falls short of goodness, there is a man who does it too. Men cheat, decieve, desert, abuse. Not all, but some. They do not seem to take responsibility any more than women do. That the law is undoubtedly biased in the favor of women when it comes to custody does not mean that women are more evil than men.
Who said you were a horrible person to be around? Not I. I said you hurt my feelings. You did. You hurt my feelings because you know me better, or should at this point, than to accuse me of falling prey to feminist propoganda. Call me a fool if you like, but I am my own fool.
I personally like you, which I thought you knew by now. But you sure can be an asshole.
Nope, that wasn't what hurt my feelings. On closer examination I find that what hurt my feelings is that I was rebuking you as an equal, and you brushed me off like a flake.
Perhaps as a supposed infidel I deserve no better, but one can always hope.
Perhaps as a supposed infidel I deserve no better, but one can always hope.
relax jeanne:
you seem very sensitive lately. the drake and the human race have issues. the fact of the matter is that love hurts. rejection hurts. rejection and biased courts hurt even more.
alas the spice of life. or the fact that life is something that we have to deal with rather than enjoy at times.
perhaps when we get to "enjoy" it should really be apprecaited and longed for, rather than taking it for granted.
life cannot be a fantasy, but should be enjoyed by couples. the goal being to be nice to one another and apprecaite one another.
life is short. in a short while, one may wirte about a fatal disease. then guess what? the "tone" of the blogs change. to that of forgiveness and understanding. maybe even love and reconciliation.
maybe that is why God lets us live in the first place.
i think i will go home and hug my wife and kids and let them know exactly how much they mean to me.
thanks for the words. and do not be hurt.
men and women are different. but we can sure get along. together or apart.
john
you seem very sensitive lately. the drake and the human race have issues. the fact of the matter is that love hurts. rejection hurts. rejection and biased courts hurt even more.
alas the spice of life. or the fact that life is something that we have to deal with rather than enjoy at times.
perhaps when we get to "enjoy" it should really be apprecaited and longed for, rather than taking it for granted.
life cannot be a fantasy, but should be enjoyed by couples. the goal being to be nice to one another and apprecaite one another.
life is short. in a short while, one may wirte about a fatal disease. then guess what? the "tone" of the blogs change. to that of forgiveness and understanding. maybe even love and reconciliation.
maybe that is why God lets us live in the first place.
i think i will go home and hug my wife and kids and let them know exactly how much they mean to me.
thanks for the words. and do not be hurt.
men and women are different. but we can sure get along. together or apart.
john
# posted by : 11/15/2005 02:57:00 PM
: 11/15/2005 02:57:00 PM
The Drake, I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through all that. It sounds like she "believes" in God / Christ, but belief is a lot different than having faith (as stated in James 2:19).
Hang in there, my friend. One way or another, this WILL work out.
Hang in there, my friend. One way or another, this WILL work out.
jeanne,
yes, i sure can be an asshole. it's part of that dark magic that enchants otherwise 'rational' women into falling in love with me, only to have the spell broken by actually living with me.
sure, there are all kinds of hidden psychological possibilities and patterns that could need to be broken before i actually find someone who won't up and leave at the first sign of trouble. but i think it's more likely that i'll just rent, not buy, from now on.
your comments:
"I think destructive marraiges are marraiges in which two people are so missmatched, and so aware of the fact that they have not met their soulmate, that they are miserable, and possibly as a result even cruel, because they feel trapped. That is destructive for all the individuals involved, and no amount of good intentions can compensate for the effects of misery on other people, particularly children. I don't see it as anyone's fault."
is exactly the same bullshit D. is using to justify her actions. i don't believe that we are doomed to continue to live in negativity if we embrace our circumstances as part of God's Sovereign Plan for our lives. we got married for the wrong reasons. we are on completely opposites ends of the spectrum in tastes and personal preferences. we do not share the same intellectual, political or recreational interests.
so what? one day, we both woke up with the knowledge that God had ordained our paths to come together and result in marriage. at that point, we both had a choice to accept unconditionally and without reservation His Call to stay together, and trust Him to help us love each other.
she chose not to stay. end of story. end of chance to see God work a miracle in our marriage.
you asked me if was right for my mother to leave, but for everyone else to have to stay. no, that's not what I meant.
if women want to have equality and real power in relationships, they have to be willing to lose everything to stand up for what they believe in. men respect that. of course, it helps to take a stand for something that has real meaning.
my father was abusive -- physically and verbally. he demonstrated no love, acceptance, patience or kindness with any measure of consistency that i can remember. he was pissed off from his childhood and made the rest of us pay for it.
early on, my father also drank a bit more than my mother liked, and she had no problem taking a stand on that issue, having lived with an alcoholic father.
if i could hop in the Way Back Machine and influence a change in her approach to the situation, i would have encouraged her to demand a change in my father's approach to his relationships with us, rather than on controlling the one behavior that linked into her own daddy issues. if my father was willing to stop that behavior for her, i'm willing to bet that he would have tried very hard to be a better man. instead, he was confident in his ability to bully her and get away with a lifetime of being a prick.
there are many ways to leave a marriage. a man's refusal to love his wife and children in the face of repeated pleas from her is certainly one.
but she never took a stand. she never made him choose. and we all suffered.
D. is essentially the same. this summer, right before my father died, i began smoking again after a two-year break. D. made the decision to leave right then and there if i didn't stop immediately.
to my way of thinking, me calling her kids idiots and sociopaths is a much worse sin than taking up smoking. if anyone did that to any of my children, i'd break their damn neck. i've broken up with girlfriends for no other reason than that they've disrespected my children.
not that i feel that it should have taken a confrontation for me to have behaved differently towards her boys, but sometimes we all need confronted. i'd have had a ton more respect for her if she had made that an issue instead of the smoking.
yes, i sure can be an asshole. it's part of that dark magic that enchants otherwise 'rational' women into falling in love with me, only to have the spell broken by actually living with me.
sure, there are all kinds of hidden psychological possibilities and patterns that could need to be broken before i actually find someone who won't up and leave at the first sign of trouble. but i think it's more likely that i'll just rent, not buy, from now on.
your comments:
"I think destructive marraiges are marraiges in which two people are so missmatched, and so aware of the fact that they have not met their soulmate, that they are miserable, and possibly as a result even cruel, because they feel trapped. That is destructive for all the individuals involved, and no amount of good intentions can compensate for the effects of misery on other people, particularly children. I don't see it as anyone's fault."
is exactly the same bullshit D. is using to justify her actions. i don't believe that we are doomed to continue to live in negativity if we embrace our circumstances as part of God's Sovereign Plan for our lives. we got married for the wrong reasons. we are on completely opposites ends of the spectrum in tastes and personal preferences. we do not share the same intellectual, political or recreational interests.
so what? one day, we both woke up with the knowledge that God had ordained our paths to come together and result in marriage. at that point, we both had a choice to accept unconditionally and without reservation His Call to stay together, and trust Him to help us love each other.
she chose not to stay. end of story. end of chance to see God work a miracle in our marriage.
you asked me if was right for my mother to leave, but for everyone else to have to stay. no, that's not what I meant.
if women want to have equality and real power in relationships, they have to be willing to lose everything to stand up for what they believe in. men respect that. of course, it helps to take a stand for something that has real meaning.
my father was abusive -- physically and verbally. he demonstrated no love, acceptance, patience or kindness with any measure of consistency that i can remember. he was pissed off from his childhood and made the rest of us pay for it.
early on, my father also drank a bit more than my mother liked, and she had no problem taking a stand on that issue, having lived with an alcoholic father.
if i could hop in the Way Back Machine and influence a change in her approach to the situation, i would have encouraged her to demand a change in my father's approach to his relationships with us, rather than on controlling the one behavior that linked into her own daddy issues. if my father was willing to stop that behavior for her, i'm willing to bet that he would have tried very hard to be a better man. instead, he was confident in his ability to bully her and get away with a lifetime of being a prick.
there are many ways to leave a marriage. a man's refusal to love his wife and children in the face of repeated pleas from her is certainly one.
but she never took a stand. she never made him choose. and we all suffered.
D. is essentially the same. this summer, right before my father died, i began smoking again after a two-year break. D. made the decision to leave right then and there if i didn't stop immediately.
to my way of thinking, me calling her kids idiots and sociopaths is a much worse sin than taking up smoking. if anyone did that to any of my children, i'd break their damn neck. i've broken up with girlfriends for no other reason than that they've disrespected my children.
not that i feel that it should have taken a confrontation for me to have behaved differently towards her boys, but sometimes we all need confronted. i'd have had a ton more respect for her if she had made that an issue instead of the smoking.
I hope you're still there.
I will take your word for what happened. I never meant to imply that your particular marraige was distructive, only that marraiges can be destructive and that yours perhaps was. You are the one who is right there, having it happen.
Renting sounds like a good idea. If someone turns up you'll notice.
Take care.
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I will take your word for what happened. I never meant to imply that your particular marraige was distructive, only that marraiges can be destructive and that yours perhaps was. You are the one who is right there, having it happen.
Renting sounds like a good idea. If someone turns up you'll notice.
Take care.
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