Twenty Four Hours From Now
I will be just coming home from having dinner, brews, and bitches (not the female kind) with 5 of my boys from ABF. That stands for Adult Bible Fellowship, in case I haven't mentioned it before.

I talked with one of them for about an hour earlier this evening. Samson -- I shit you not, that's his name -- was giving me a hard time about the email that I wrote to this particular group of people, explaining the situation between D and I. No, explaining's not the right word... OK, why don't I just print the message.

Dear Friends,

I've been feeling a burden to reach out to you all and let you know why you've not seen or heard from me lately. I regret that it has taken me this long to do so, and I ask for your forgiveness in advance for using email as the medium.

I regret to have to inform you all that my marriage to D appears to be irretrievably broken. Neither my efforts and prayers, nor God's unmistakeable acts of grace, have convinced her to stay. Certainly my many failures to bear spiritual fruit in the face of daily challenges and conflicts between us have not helped. At this point, D is in the process of negotiating an offer of employment in suburban Baltimore and may very well be gone as early as the first of December. She has also decided to finalize divorce papers she filed in the summer of 2004 by the end of this year. I decided to sign these papers last month after repeated requests over the past several months.

It's not my intent to cast blame, minimize my responsibility, or drag D's name through the mud, but rather to let you know what's going on. Each of you has a special place in my heart, as God has blessed me to share some small portion of fellowship in Christ with you. I just want to thank you for your friendship, support, concern and willingness to listen to me when I needed a friendly ear. I can't begin to express how much it has meant to me.

I believe that a significant part of experiencing the fullness of joy and contentment in God's grace lies in embracing one's circumstances as ordained in God's Sovereignty. I tried to encourage D to embrace our marriage and the events that led us to CEFC and Building Bridges as evidence of His encouragement to persevere in spite of our struggles. Now I find myself confronted with a new set of circumstances to embrace and in which I must persevere if I am to know what I only now believe.

An honest assessment of these circumstances, and myself, leads me to some disappointing conclusions. First, I am not convinced that CEFC is the right place for me to worship. There are a number of reasons I could cite for this uncertainty, but it really boils down to a basic personality conflict. I am just not a big church guy. I believe that we are called to live in community seven days a week and be a force for the Kingdom where we live. While there are no churches that I know of in my immediate area where the seats are as comfortable, or the sound system as crisp, or the music as professional sounding, or the people as cool as at CEFC, I know that there are people within spitting distance of where I now sit and type this email who both long for deep fellowship and the hope of the message of the Gospel.

However, there are also things that argue for me remaining. I have family members who attend CEFC. There's Celebrate Recovery, and an opportunity for me to use my gifts to serve there. And then there's you guys. I sure would miss seeing all of you and having the privilege of seeing how all of these babies turn out.

Anyway, that's where I'm at -- just so you know.

I'm probably not going to go to CEFC until I have a better idea how long D will be attending. I'd rather let her have the access to what God is doing there than bring a whole lot of discomfort into the mix. That's probably an excuse, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I'm not in seclusion, but I'm not real outgoing at the moment, either. Which, I guess is my way of saying that it's OK if you want to write or call or get together. What I'd really appreciate more than anything is your prayers that the Lord would help me get up out of this pit I'm in right now. And please pray for D and her boys. I don't want to see them suffer any more than is necessary for God to do His work.

Thanks again so much for your gift of friendship!

Your brother in Christ,

The Drake

Samson was somewhat affronted by my playing the martyr (really, it was just an excuse) to portray my choice to interrupt my fellowship with them. Good call, really. Although I really was hoping that D would be more freed up to have a chance encounter with someone who would have the right words, the right heart to let God use them to drive home the truth to her. Alas, it was not to be, as it seems that I had done such a good job of convincing her that everyone from the ABF would naturally agree with me, that she avoided contact with any of them for over a month. It's clear that there will be no changing of her mind, nor any opportunity to experience the embrace of a concerned brother or sister.

While I was talking with the long-locked one, D was apparently having a real bad night. Stomping up and down the steps with her last major packing area -- her boys' bedroom things.

Then, she found out that the littlest one had busted a dresser drawer. Big surprise there. I've done my time with little boys and cheap, build-it-yourself furniture. L braces, wood screws and glue must be in every would-be parent's arsenal.

While she was running up and down the stairs and into the garage to get those things, the dog shit on the landing of the third floor. D stepped in it. Then it was on. She stormed around the house yelling and bitching at me for sitting in the recliner with my hands down my pants while MY dog shit in the house.

Ha! Excuse me, but I think it's more like MY dog shit in MY house.

But old habits die hard, I guess.

Oh, and I'm stinking up the whole house with my smoking, even though I've not had a single one inside the house. I'm at least giving her THAT consideration.

Tomorrow evening should be interesting. D intends to work a full day at the office, then pick up and pack her rental truck before sleeping one final night under my roof. Thursday morning, she will be gone from my life... forever?
- posted by The Drake @ 9:20 PM