Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.
--St. Paul (I Corinthians 7:27)

Admittedly, I'm a bit testy these days. I'm coming to grips with the reality that my efforts to convince D. to embrace God's Call in our circumstances have failed miserably. Now my circumstances are changed, and it's up to me to embrace a new set of implications in God's Sovereignty.

Barring any last minute miraculous intervention, I will again be a single man by the end of the year. From what I can tell, that's probably a good way for me to remain. This is not a prospect I relish, but I can't even begin to consider bringing another woman into my children's lives after all that's happened here. Nor can I easily just revert to my former level of promiscuity, simply to deal with my loneliness and sexual desires. When I say 'easily', I mean without huge amounts of guilt, regret and other, possibly unpleasant, consequences. I could very easily get drawn into doing the deeds, but I am too aware of the cost, at the moment, to do anything other than suffer as a result.

At this point, the only value I can find in a woman is for sex. I know that this is a wrong attitude, but it is what it is. So rather than screwing up my life any more than I already have, I think I'll just do my best to avoid them altogether. At those to whom I feel any sort of physical attraction.

I have somewhat of a desire to get back in touch with God, but not enough of one to actually get on my knees or crack open the Word. I don't know why, but it is growing. I guess maybe I'm not ready to give up my ranting just yet. I guess that's what unforgiveness feels like. I don't really know.

What I do know is that I will be lonely. That I will be horny. That I will be tempted to act out in anger at the unfairness of it all.

And I know that the only one that I will be hurting if I surrender to that temptation is myself. Maybe some others, too. But mostly myself. Either way, it won't be worth it.

So what are the five stages of grieving again? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? Well, the denial's over, that's for sure. That ended the day I agreed to sign her stupid divorce papers. Anger? Check. We're in full swing here at the moment. Bargaining? Somehow, I don't see that happening this time around. Did that last year, and look where it got me. Hasta la vista, baby! Depression? That's an ongoing state with me, so I guess the only left is acceptance. I've done that somewhat already. I just wish she'd leave already. Going home to growing piles of packed boxes with her and her two spawn in the way all of the time is just really aggravating.

Yep, anger phase still going strong.

I've pretty much decided that I need to go back to church and at least let the people I know there that I'm not dead, terminally ill, off on a bender, or anything else dramatic. I don't know that I can continue in the fellowship in the same way that I have been over the past year. The group I got involved with is demographically incompatible with my new situation. They are mostly D's age, either busy with the responsibilities of young children, having babies, or looking for someone with whom to get started down that path.

I'm on the short side of 50. My kids are all teenagers. I have no wife, nor any real time obligations outside of work and weekend visitations. I feel the need to develop relationships with people who are more available. Problem is, most people within the church who are more my own age are still either married and dealing with at home teens.

So my preliminary plan is to start going to the class my uncle leads during the first hour. Most of the folks there are late-50's to late-60's. Maybe I can get a little perspective. And it's not likely that I'll find myself tempted to start up a relationship with any of the widows.

Eliminate the distractions. Focus on the essentials.

That's the plan.

- posted by The Drake @ 4:22 PM