11.28.2005
Hit the Reset Button
Final toke tally: 123 days
Final smoke tally: 115 days
That's right, folks. The fast has ended. I guess my own evasive maneuvers continue. Oh well, I'll fall back on Luther's old adage: "Be a sinner and sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ even more boldly, for he is victorious over sin, death, and the world."
As faithful readers might have guessed, my new ex-wife did not respond well to my "fall from grace". It turns out that D had been a faithful reader of this blog until 18 days ago, when my tag line for the last smoke tally read "99 days (but I'm weakening)". She confessed to me last night that upon reading that, she felt a twisting in the pit of her stomach and stopped reading lest she encounter my eventual confession of relapse. For some reason, she held out hope that this would come after she was safely out of town.
HA! While the main driving force behind my loss of will -- that's what it is, not a fall from grace -- is undoubtedly my unvanquished demand for comfort in the face of yet another abandonment, make no mistake that I was going to make sure that she was going to know about it once I'd made the decision to give in.
That was actually after I'd already made arrangments to break my ganja fast, but after waiting all day Saturday for delivery, I decided to jump off the tobacco wagon instead. After coming back from Sheetz with my fresh pack of Newport Lights, she pursued me out into the backyard, demanding an explanation and seeking to convince to abandon my folly. One of the highlights of this particular conversation was her response to my reply to her wondering why -- which was simply, "Because I feel like it".
Unbelievably enough, she had the stones to tell me that just wanting to do something didn't make it right. Oh, really? So how are we applying that principle during our packing?
After fifteen minutes of communicating to her that her status as ex-wife-in-residence didn't entitle her to any more of an explanation than that, nor a hearing of her 'concerns', she finally went off to bed. I figured that was that.
Oh, soooooo wrong.
When I got home from church yesterday, it was to discover that the laundry was underway. However, my clothes were not included, despite the fact that I have spent every weekend for months doing laundry for her and her kids. After a pleasant little conversation regarding my feelings on this, D spent most of the rest of the day as a basket case, getting all worked up every time she heard me go out the back door to have a smoke. The bottom line is that she was lashing out at me for having the audacity to smoke again.
I wasted a few more hours trying to engage in rational discourse over this state of affairs, until I got the call from the neighbor that Ganja Claus had dropped down my chimney. In the interest of science, I offered to share my first bowl with D, an offer she predictably (and eagerly) accepted until she realized that she had to undergo a piss test later in the week for her new job.
After I had indulged and was feeling talkative and insightful, I engaged her in a conversation where I apologized for some of the ways I've treated her and tried to explain how what's really hurt and frustrated me over this past year is the utter lack of enthusiasm and interest in this Christian life and what God was obviously (to me, anyway) trying to do in our marriage. Of course, the conversation derailed onto its usual sidetrack about how she didn't feel 'safe' or 'good enough' to let herself share openly. At that point, I just gave up. I got more out of watching the end of the Saints/Jets game than I did out of all of the hours I spent trying to communicate with this woman.
Two more days, and it will all be over.
- posted by The Drake @ 4:47 PM
Comments:
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Right. Well, counting days was not the issue anyway. Each day without is a day without, and each day with is a day with. Too bad about the cigarettes, because it doesn't take long for that old, dormant addiction to kick in, making everything more difficult. The thing is to remember that each cig. or joint is a decision, not part of a habit. You're screwing up each time, you didn't already get the screwing up over with.
Enough lecturing. We're both thinking about you these days. You might want to try letting a conversation go wherever it wants, rather than steering it all the time. Let God have a chance to work. You seem to have decided that you know what "He" wants all the time. Maybe something actually will happen if you loosen up on the reins a bit.
Enough lecturing. We're both thinking about you these days. You might want to try letting a conversation go wherever it wants, rather than steering it all the time. Let God have a chance to work. You seem to have decided that you know what "He" wants all the time. Maybe something actually will happen if you loosen up on the reins a bit.
I'm pretty sure that I won't be getting the "screwing up" over with for quite some time. That's the nature of the beast within. Decreasing in frequency over a lifetime of making choices in situations is the best any of us can hope for.
As for steering the conversation, it's hard to do anything else when you're the only one trying to have one.
And as to the allegation that I think I know what God wants all the time, there you go again with your particular brand of mysticism. The knowing is not situational. Should I wear the tan or black pants today? Irrelevant. Should I leave my spouse for this, that, or the other reason? A lot more cut and dried, if you mind His lessons.
Will D have God's grace available to her wherever she goes? Of course. Is she likely to access in a state of willful, knowing disobedience? Doubt it. That's just understanding the character of God as revealed in Scripture. Doesn't mean that He won't show His love to her and that He doesn't have His arms open to her to restore her. It just means that God is not mocked or manipulated.
We don't get to decide who He is or what He wants. There's more than enough to follow that's black and white. Personal revelation is just that -- personal. No one gets to tell you that you're wrong or that you mis-heard.
However, personal revelation NEVER contradicts universal revelation. EVER.
As for steering the conversation, it's hard to do anything else when you're the only one trying to have one.
And as to the allegation that I think I know what God wants all the time, there you go again with your particular brand of mysticism. The knowing is not situational. Should I wear the tan or black pants today? Irrelevant. Should I leave my spouse for this, that, or the other reason? A lot more cut and dried, if you mind His lessons.
Will D have God's grace available to her wherever she goes? Of course. Is she likely to access in a state of willful, knowing disobedience? Doubt it. That's just understanding the character of God as revealed in Scripture. Doesn't mean that He won't show His love to her and that He doesn't have His arms open to her to restore her. It just means that God is not mocked or manipulated.
We don't get to decide who He is or what He wants. There's more than enough to follow that's black and white. Personal revelation is just that -- personal. No one gets to tell you that you're wrong or that you mis-heard.
However, personal revelation NEVER contradicts universal revelation. EVER.
"Decreasing in frequency over a lifetime of making choices in situations is the best any of us can hope for."
Actually, you can come to an insight and fundamentally and completely change.
Just because the bible says to stay married doesn't mean you have to talk about it everytime you converse with your ex. If it's what you really believe it will be an element of anything you say no matter what comes up in the conversation. Perhaps talking about why she feels the waý she does could lead right in the end. That was what I meant. Nothing mystical at all.
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Actually, you can come to an insight and fundamentally and completely change.
Just because the bible says to stay married doesn't mean you have to talk about it everytime you converse with your ex. If it's what you really believe it will be an element of anything you say no matter what comes up in the conversation. Perhaps talking about why she feels the waý she does could lead right in the end. That was what I meant. Nothing mystical at all.
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