11.04.2005
Feminista!
Last toke: 100 days
Last smoke: 93 days
So yesterday's post seems to have created a mild stir. Cool. I like a good fight.
Although, to be perfectly candid, it was just a stupid rant. An excess of pressure built up from a lifetime of being discarded by women whom I loved and whom I felt should have loved me in return, but didn't.
So I focus on loving myself. Realizing that I am flawed like everyone else, I embrace that which others would rather not deal with. My view is that the very things that make me unacceptable now as they reveal themselves in 'defects' are the very same things that attracted these women intially and were revealed as strengths.
I am intense, so that aspect of my personality is what drove me to overwhelm these women with passion, confidence and the trappings of success. That aspect also spurs me on to vigorously defend my beliefs and values when they came in conflict with theirs.
I am wounded, which reveals itself at times in what has proven to be an appealing vulnerability to certain women, but which also can result in extended periods of depression and silence from me.
I am smart and eloquent, which can be appealing to women who are looking for security or intelligent conversation, but very unappealing when in the midst of a disagreement.
I am confident in most respects, which again offers the hope of security in some, but can be very annoying when it becomes apparent that I don't need their favor enough to become a lapdog or a doormat.
Yet I live paycheck to paycheck because I have four children with a woman who has very little ability to make a decent income on her own, but more than enough pride and vindictiveness to put me out because I didn't deal well with her unwillingness to keep a clean house and make dinner while I struggled to make enough money to keep us afloat.
Hey, I know that I'm an asshole. So what? If you get involved with me, I'm going to tell you what I think, what I want, and what I don't like. In no uncertain terms. I yell, argue, belch and fart. I also joke, laugh, tease and listen.
I love women. I'm just not interested in paying for the mistakes of their fathers, employers and ex's. I'll make enough of my own, thank you very much.
- posted by The Drake @ 11:58 AM
Comments:
<< Home
what advice would you give to a late 20 something male that is scheduled to be married early next year?
he already has some concerns about being in "love" or not.
he already has some concerns about being in "love" or not.
# posted by 
: 11/09/2005 10:54:00 AM
: 11/09/2005 10:54:00 AM
good luck is all i can say.
is marriage a joke? what is it really supposed to be?
what do you think God intended it to be? can you offer some scripture on this?
drake - you have your share of lumps. how much is really self inflicted. i have read your posts. do you think swinging helps a marriage?? or perhaps her attitude?
this behavior, along with the drugs and everyday pressures is hard enough.....then to bring others into your bedroom......
is marriage a joke? what is it really supposed to be?
what do you think God intended it to be? can you offer some scripture on this?
drake - you have your share of lumps. how much is really self inflicted. i have read your posts. do you think swinging helps a marriage?? or perhaps her attitude?
this behavior, along with the drugs and everyday pressures is hard enough.....then to bring others into your bedroom......
# posted by : 11/09/2005 01:07:00 PM
: 11/09/2005 01:07:00 PM
Anonymous,
I am really the worst person in the world from whom to seek advice regarding when or not to marry.
My biggest mistake was making the decisions I made to marry based on impulse and a deep urge to compensate for not having felt loved as a child. If you are unsure about whether or not you've got the depth of feeling and commitment to your intended, put it off until you are.
Susan,
I certainly don't consider marriage a joke, but I can't really back that assertion up with my pathetic history.
What I think God intended it to be is a lifelong partnership and commitment to do whatever is necessary to experience the oneness and true intimacy that the Bible talks about. It's about humility, forgiveness, and realizing that fantasies and illusions are no substitute for a real relationship.
Many of my lumps are self-inflicted, but not all. My first two marriages were to Christian women whose expectations of me were not realistic, given my history and spiritual immaturity. My currently crumbling marriage was pursued for more 'worldly' reasons -- sex, money and the status of having a horny young wife sixteen years my junior.
When God brought me back to a place where I began to care about following Jesus, I found myself 'unequally yoked' to someone who is very resistant to basic doctrine and practice.
Does swinging help a marriage? I'd say given my definition of marriage above -- absolutely not. However, if Christ is not the center of your marriage, then I suppose it could artificially sustain an illusion of excitement and adventure.
I'm pretty tainted by my sexual history, so I don't really look at swinging as that big of deal. To me, it's not any worse than overeating, lusting in your heart, or any other indulgent, non-criminal sin.
I suppose I would feel differently if I were still bonded to anyone by virtue of years of monogamy, or having been high school sweethearts, or having stood together in Christ against all this shit that tears up marriages on a daily basis in this country.
But I'm not any of that, and I seriously doubt that I ever will be.
For those of you who do fit this profile, no matter how shitty things are right now, it can't be worse than living with this emptiness and cynicism day after day. You never lose the others, and they are there with you in every attempt to start over with someone new. This is the sad truth that my dearly departing wife unfortunately fails to understand.
Post a Comment
I am really the worst person in the world from whom to seek advice regarding when or not to marry.
My biggest mistake was making the decisions I made to marry based on impulse and a deep urge to compensate for not having felt loved as a child. If you are unsure about whether or not you've got the depth of feeling and commitment to your intended, put it off until you are.
Susan,
I certainly don't consider marriage a joke, but I can't really back that assertion up with my pathetic history.
What I think God intended it to be is a lifelong partnership and commitment to do whatever is necessary to experience the oneness and true intimacy that the Bible talks about. It's about humility, forgiveness, and realizing that fantasies and illusions are no substitute for a real relationship.
Many of my lumps are self-inflicted, but not all. My first two marriages were to Christian women whose expectations of me were not realistic, given my history and spiritual immaturity. My currently crumbling marriage was pursued for more 'worldly' reasons -- sex, money and the status of having a horny young wife sixteen years my junior.
When God brought me back to a place where I began to care about following Jesus, I found myself 'unequally yoked' to someone who is very resistant to basic doctrine and practice.
Does swinging help a marriage? I'd say given my definition of marriage above -- absolutely not. However, if Christ is not the center of your marriage, then I suppose it could artificially sustain an illusion of excitement and adventure.
I'm pretty tainted by my sexual history, so I don't really look at swinging as that big of deal. To me, it's not any worse than overeating, lusting in your heart, or any other indulgent, non-criminal sin.
I suppose I would feel differently if I were still bonded to anyone by virtue of years of monogamy, or having been high school sweethearts, or having stood together in Christ against all this shit that tears up marriages on a daily basis in this country.
But I'm not any of that, and I seriously doubt that I ever will be.
For those of you who do fit this profile, no matter how shitty things are right now, it can't be worse than living with this emptiness and cynicism day after day. You never lose the others, and they are there with you in every attempt to start over with someone new. This is the sad truth that my dearly departing wife unfortunately fails to understand.
<< Home
