8.14.2005
Why Aren't I Good Enough?
Last toke: 18 days
Last smoke: 11 days
Just sitting here at the keyboard, having been up for the past couple of hours putting together my outline for Sunday School class. It's basically just a list of talking points that I hope will elicit spirited debate and challenge people to think Christianly about their media consumption.
Finally had the golf outing yesterday, and we didn't do all that well (3 over, horrible for a scramble). But we had fun. The guys I played with are not frequent golfers (nor am I, for that matter, although I'd really like to be), so we just were not able to put together enough good shots to get a lot of birdies. The winning team was 14 under, so it was never even a fantasy to be in contention. Although, I always hope for/expect the best. Which is probably why I've broken so many golf clubs over the years.
I was the go-to guy, and I just couldn't give them the shots they needed when everyone else blew up. I'd come close, though. I must've missed around 8 putts for birdie that just missed going in. What that really means is that I've gotten close to being good, but will most likely never have the time, money, or help to be anything more than a hacker.
That grates on me more than I can describe. I want to be good at whatever I do. Not just good. Exceptional.
Talking to one of my teammates, S, on the drive home, I realized that this issue has deep roots with me. Performance is the only way that I've really ever known affirmation, acceptance, and the feeling of being loved. With Dad's passing last month, this realization has come bobbing to the surface, bringing with it a buttload of anger.
Why aren't I good enough?
Trying is not the answer. Striving either. Following a program as a cookbook to arrive at change ain't working. I am smart, funny, not horrible looking, and I've even been losing a bit of weight. I quit smoking weed and tobacco. So what gives?
Why aren't I good enough?
More later. Must get ready for church.
- posted by The Drake @ 7:14 AM
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You are good enough, my friend. Just remember that we aren't defined by how good we perform tasks. Also remember that you are good enough for Christ to die for you.
Isn't it really more that I am so bad (like everyone else) that Christ HAD to die for me.
I know that I have been loved by God in the fact that, while I was still an enemy to Christ, He died for my sins.
However, for some reason, that realization on an intellectual level has not been enough to compensate for never having FELT loved by anyone (human and physically present, that is) I ever really wanted to just not fuckin' leave me simply because I'm flawed, angry, lazy, inconsiderate, too poor, too smart, too intense, whatever. I guess that would be because no one that I've ever really loved (i.e. gave my heart to) stuck around long enough to see what God would do with me. Now I seem incapable of giving my heart to anyone. It's just not worth it.
Or so it would seem.
Other than that, I'm just doing the old recovery mantra. Fake it until you make it.
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I know that I have been loved by God in the fact that, while I was still an enemy to Christ, He died for my sins.
However, for some reason, that realization on an intellectual level has not been enough to compensate for never having FELT loved by anyone (human and physically present, that is) I ever really wanted to just not fuckin' leave me simply because I'm flawed, angry, lazy, inconsiderate, too poor, too smart, too intense, whatever. I guess that would be because no one that I've ever really loved (i.e. gave my heart to) stuck around long enough to see what God would do with me. Now I seem incapable of giving my heart to anyone. It's just not worth it.
Or so it would seem.
Other than that, I'm just doing the old recovery mantra. Fake it until you make it.
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