4.07.2005
A Child is a Terrible Thing to Waste
I'm writing at night! Aaack! I can barely hold a conversation, but I am going to try to write anyway.
Tonight's theme is drawn from Psalm 127:3-5:
Behold, sons are an inheritance of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb wages.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
Thus are the sons of one's youth.
How blessed is the warrior who has filled his quiver with these;
They shall not be ashamed,
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Even during my years of depraved hedonism preceding my return to the Lord last winter, my greatest joy in life was that of being a father to my five children. Of course, it was also my greatest source of sorrow, not being able to be as much of a daily fixture in their live as I wanted to be. Overall, however, I have been very blessed in the lives of my children. They've given me so much more than I have them.
D. has two children, boys,currently aged 6 and 7. These poor little fellows have not known stability from a father figure for most of their lives. Their biological father split from D. split over four years ago, has seen them once in the nearly three years I have known D and rarely calls them. In between, D. brought these little guys into a six-month live-in relationship with a corrections officer in eastern Ohio who cheated on her and blamed her children for the collapse of their relationship.
Sadly, my own involvement with these lads has been marred by both my inability/unwillingness(?) to accomodate their damaged little psyches and our 5 month separation last year.
The seven-year old, A., has been particularly troublesome -- destroying things around the house, stealing money (he even tried to forge a check!), and getting in trouble at school. Most recently, he was suspended for bringing a knife into school.
Now, I am a pretty strong disciplinarian. My children learned early on that I meant what I said and that resistance was futile. With these ground rules firmly established, I have been able to relax with them and enjoy them as they plunge into adolesence. Sure, they get lippy and whiny once in a while, but they know when it's time to cut out the nonsense and do what's required. When you have to deal with four children by yourself, you don't have time for debates and explanations.
D. has not established such an understanding with her boys, and I am having a very difficult time experiencing the same level of success I enjoy with my own children. Part of it is because they are too old, too scarred and stunted to respond well to my methods. But another part of it is that they are too firmly bonded to their mother, who is so totally inconsistent and
non-attentive that they understandably do not take anything she says seriously.
When A. got suspended from school, I fiercely advocated making the experience as miserable as possible 24/7. D.'s solution was to have me give the poor kid a beating every night of his suspension. While I certainly am an advocate of corporal punishment for disobedient children, I saw this proposed punishment as unnecessarily cruel -- not too mention grossly
ineffective. Rather, I saw the need to continually put him in mind of the utter wrongness of his behavior -- to generate through endless lecturing, revocation of privileges and unpleasant consequences a state of regret deeper and more profound than anything he'd ever known in his young life. I wanted to systematically tear down his intricate defense mechanisms and get at the living, breathing little boy who had been stuffed inside years ago. Then, and only then, would I have something to work with.
However, over the course of the past sixteen days, I have become increasingly concerned with trying to insert as much positive interaction with him, so that he wouldn't become discouraged and broken in spirit. What I determined, over against much resistance in my mind, was that I needed to spend a heck of lot more time with he and his younger brother. Even if that meant that other things didn't get done.
As I became more willing to give more of myself to these boys, opportunities arose. Baseball season started this week, and they need help learning how to throw and catch. So when I came home on Tuesday, I spent an hour before dinner showing them the ropes. They ate it up!
Last night, after having dinner with the family, I put A. to work cleaning up the kitchen, making sure that I was directing him all the way. He goofed off at first, but a swift paddle from Big Red (my hand-crafted red oak Board of Discipline) put him back on task. Tonight was garbage night, and as we were filling some bags with scraps, he began to talk to me. Nothing earth-shattering, just questions about why we were doing things a certain way. But I realized that he was looking to me for knowledge, for direction.
When we got back in, it was bath time. So I decided to sit up there with them and keep the talking going. The usual nonsense and chaos was kept to a minimum, and we even had a little bit of fun. They seem to find me talking about making sure that they washed their butt cracks absolutely hilarious. The classics never go out of style!
'Tis a very strange place I currently inhabit. I feel like I've just become a single father of kids who I barely know, living with a roommate who sometimes seems like a life partner. Overstated, I know. D. has borne the brunt of the day-to-day stuff longer than I've been on the scene. And it's not like I've been much more than a weekend Dad for most of my kids' lives anyway. But, still, I seem to be standing in the gap here. And to be honest, it's kinda scary.
Feelings suck anyway. I know what I have to do.
- posted by The Drake @ 8:30 PM
Comments:
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keep up the good work.
my kids tire me out. (5/b 3/g ) i sometimes find myself "ignoring" my kids as they talk with me at times. sometimes the book i'm reading or the show i might be watching seems to have my attention that they desire. this does not happen a lot. but when it does, i am like "dude - what is wrong with you - you kids are talking to you and you are not listening!"
i find that my interests are all over the board. my kids always come first. but man, they want my full attention 24/7. so i just keep doing my best..
you and i will make it. as james dobson would say, "focus on the family" and the rest will follow.
good luck....
my kids tire me out. (5/b 3/g ) i sometimes find myself "ignoring" my kids as they talk with me at times. sometimes the book i'm reading or the show i might be watching seems to have my attention that they desire. this does not happen a lot. but when it does, i am like "dude - what is wrong with you - you kids are talking to you and you are not listening!"
i find that my interests are all over the board. my kids always come first. but man, they want my full attention 24/7. so i just keep doing my best..
you and i will make it. as james dobson would say, "focus on the family" and the rest will follow.
good luck....
# posted by 
: 4/08/2005 09:28:00 AM
: 4/08/2005 09:28:00 AM
thx for the encouragement, thirtysomething.
i am far from a patient person in a lot of ways, but i am finding that it just goes a lot easier if i can take a deep breath, step back from what's got me so distracted and really show them that i am ready to meet their needs or answer their questions.
of course, kids do also need to learn that they can't always get what they want right away, but i've got to learn not to bite their heads off in the process.
but i agree with you, God will help us. after all, we were the ones who decided to become parents.
I mean once may be an accident, but by the time you get to seven, you've made a conscious decision to take on the responsibility. it's not right to just decide you don't want to do it when it gets hard. they deserve better.
thanks again for the encouragement, my brother.
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i am far from a patient person in a lot of ways, but i am finding that it just goes a lot easier if i can take a deep breath, step back from what's got me so distracted and really show them that i am ready to meet their needs or answer their questions.
of course, kids do also need to learn that they can't always get what they want right away, but i've got to learn not to bite their heads off in the process.
but i agree with you, God will help us. after all, we were the ones who decided to become parents.
I mean once may be an accident, but by the time you get to seven, you've made a conscious decision to take on the responsibility. it's not right to just decide you don't want to do it when it gets hard. they deserve better.
thanks again for the encouragement, my brother.
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