3.31.2005
Sad
Recently, I've felt overwhelmed by a great heaviness whenever I think about blogging. The Terri Schiavo situation took a great deal out of me and showed me that the blogosphere is of limited usefulness in making any kind of difference about what happens in the real world, changing people's attitudes or effecting any kind of cultural change.
As I've experienced it over the past week, blogs are places where you can either indulge yourself in the warm commiseration of like-minded people, engage in useless debates with those who hate everything you stand for (or what their impression of what you stand for happens to be), or just write whatever you want and not give a shit about what anyone else thinks.
Frankly, I would rather choose the third option. I know who I am and what I believe. Far from being convinced that I know the right answer to everything, I nonetheless know that I am on solid ground in what matters most. My life is far too rich and rewarding to waste it engaging in mental combat with unarmed people.
Sometimes its funny to read the utter nonsense the gets posted out here in blog-o-land (read A-jinghip-E's post on 20 Ways to Make the World Better for an example). But mostly it's just plain sad that people simply aren't willing to be honest about their motives as the source of their self-righteous indignation.
Terri Schiavo is dead, her life taken by force. The asendancy of the Culture of Death is nearly complete, utter evil wearing the masks of compassion and the rule of law. Most of the people in this country really don't seem to care about the implications, but every person who has a loved one with any kind of inconvenient condition -- from mental retardation to end stage kidney disease -- is one court ruling away from having that person subjected to death by force of law.
But enough of that. On another front, I have been offered a full-time position here where I am consulting. The role I am slated for has great potential to provide me with interesting, rewarding work. But the pay is less than what I am already making. Were it not for the current consequences of my past mistakes, this would not be an issue for me. However, a couple hundred dollars a month off of my current gross puts me in a very precarious financial position should any emergencies arise.
Conventional wisdom says that I should go with the security of FTE, tighten my belt, and focus on future rewards. However, I am working with a 2-5 year window to restore my financial health and allow me to get out from under some serious burdens. I personally do not care about my 'career', as my work is only a means to another end -- which is a life lived in service to my God, my family and my community.
D. and I had an awesome Easter weekend with all of the kids, save one, who had his tonsils out on Good Friday and stayed with his mom to recover. A deeper friendship is developing between us, as we each wrestle with the issues in our lives and stay committed to one another and the Lord. It's pretty amazing, considering that we were both so depressed two months ago that we were both ready to just end it and get on with life.
Things are still tough on occasion, but now conflicts last a few hours - a day at most - before we reign ourselves in and re-emphasize our beliefs and commitments. In the past, we would each retreat to our individual havens, stew in our resentments, and convince ourselves of the futility of it all. Not good.
So, all in all, I have much for which I am thankful. However, I am learning (slowly) that the walk of the Christian in this world in one of paradox -- deeply joyful for the blessings of heaven, but deeply troubled by the sorrows, injustices and evil of this earthly life.
But still...
Shalom!
- posted by The Drake @ 10:16 AM
