2.23.2005
TV No More!
Today I will be cancelling my DISH Network subscription. It is something I have needed to do for quite a long time, as TV watching is the place where my addictive nature is currently taking refuge.
Why, you may ask, would I be doing something so drastic? Couldn't I just not watch so much TV? No, not really. At this point in my life, I am just powerless over this addiction. Moreover, I have been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately, and I've come to recognize that television offers nothing of benefit to my life. There is nothing that I need to know from TV programming that I either need to live my life to its fullest or that I can't get from some other source like the Internet.
Far from being just a benign waste of my time, I've come to the conclusion that my obsessive TV watching is actually quite harmful to me. I've given literally years of my life to sitting glassy-eyed and open-mouthed like a drooling retard in front of this glowing box. And for what? To laugh at stuff that isn't really all that funny when you stop and think about it? To be inspired by a vision of life that brings closure to even the most devastating problems in 60 minutes or less? To be spoonfed leftist, socialist propaganda, the underlying assumptions of which are completely contrary to my faith, which are neatly packaged and presented through the largesse of multi-billion dollar corporations whose only objective is to get me to spend my money on stuff I mostly don't need?
Don't get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy it. Addictions are generally not painful, at least not while you are indulging in them. It's the aftermath that's the killer, when you wake up to a rare moment of lucidity to catch a glimpse of the smoldering ruins of what used to be your life, your relationships, your loves, your passion for life. In those moments of despair, I have a choice: to either scurry back into my electronic womb or take some drastic action to stem the hemorrhaging of my soul, wake myself up and get the help I need to face the deep pain that brought me to this state.
Two years ago I stopped smoking. A year ago I stopped swinging. It's been two months since I've smoked pot, and a month since I got off on Internet porn. But nature abhors a vacuum, so all of the yearning and longing and desparation not to feel (read: be overwhelmed and consumed) by the soaked-in angst accumulated over a lifetime of neglect, abuse, abandonment, self-centeredness, denial, indulgence, bitterness, anger, isolation, and destructive behavior has planted my fat ass in my recliner every night so I can drift away into the nothingness that I feel I am.
This latest decision is going to leave me with very little room to hide myself from myself. So what will step into this void? Well, hopefully recovery. Real, honest recovery where I actually DO something with the knowledge that God has given me. A recovery that's characterized by a Drake who's able to stand tall and confident in who he is, blemishes and all. A Drake who's able to reach out to other human beings in a real and meaningful way and let them in, instead of keeping them at arm's length or pushing them away altogether. A Drake who accepts his circumstances as the Will of the Father and seeks to constantly find a way to give thanks for them, no matter the amount of physical or emotional pain that accompanies them. A Drake who sincerely cares about other people and THEIR pain and circumstances, to the point where real involvement is possible.
A Drake who can not only truly give, but truly receive...
Shalom!
- posted by The Drake @ 9:56 AM
Comments:
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Good for you! You'll be a better person for it. I've found that Half-Price Books offers some good things with which to fill the vaccuum that will be left.
I honestly believe its not such a bad thing to be able to unwind and think about nothing every once in awhile while your watching tv. Just like anything its ok in portions. Sounds like your really being hard on yourself. You sound like a guy who has vices and some control issues. It doesn't make you a "worthless" human being. You might be a worse person if you just let these vices take over and not try to do anything about them. But it sounds as though your conscience of them and trying to make changes. Never "worthless"!! Hang in there!!!!!
# posted by 
: 2/23/2005 02:01:00 PM
: 2/23/2005 02:01:00 PM
Um, I'm pretty sure I didn't use the word "worthless", particularly in describing my feelings about myself.
I totally agree that, in general, it's not a bad thing to unwind with watching a little TV. However, for me in particular, it is A VERY BAD THING. I'm not "a guy who has vices and some control issues". I'm an addict, powerless over my addictions, whose life has been out of control.
As for being hard on myself, there is a case to be made there.
However, I still have my DVD player and Blockbuster membership for "unwinding". :)
I totally agree that, in general, it's not a bad thing to unwind with watching a little TV. However, for me in particular, it is A VERY BAD THING. I'm not "a guy who has vices and some control issues". I'm an addict, powerless over my addictions, whose life has been out of control.
As for being hard on myself, there is a case to be made there.
However, I still have my DVD player and Blockbuster membership for "unwinding". :)
I apologize, you used the word "nothingless", I rephrased with "worthless", didn't mean to offend you.
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# posted by : 2/25/2005 11:13:00 AM
: 2/25/2005 11:13:00 AM<< Home
