2.03.2005
To Anonymous:
Three weeks ago I posted what basically amounted to a blogger's cry for help. I was depressed, caught up in sin, and becoming increasingly isolated by a sense of hopelessness surrounding my 'failure' to achieve the level of spiritual peace and contentment I felt I should have.
I received a couple of comments to this post, but one really pissed me off -- that of an anonymous lurker who basically took the typical posture of so many Christians I have known (and come to avoid) in my life -- that of a scolding parent.
Anonymous felt it was his (I'm assuming gender based on some of his comments) place to give me spiritual kick in the butt by telling me to stop focusing on myself so much. In his acute spiritual perception, Anonymous was able to evaluate my entire situation from what I said in my post and provide the answer to my despair. His keen insight penetrated to the core of my condition to identify sinful attitudes in my heart of which I was completely unaware and pointed me to a solution which I hadn't even considered.
I'm being sarcastic, of course.
I was foolish enough to respond in my hurt, angry, despondent state that his comments reminded me more of my abusive, critical, biological dad than what little hope I was feeling in my gracious, holy, forgiving and loving Heavenly Father. To any observers out there, it must've been obvious that I had an axe to grind. The really funny part of that encounter to me was the part of his response where he asked if I was raising my kids as God would have me. What? Are you kidding me? I'm wallowing in a dung heap of near-suicidal despair, and this yahoo wants to know whether I'm parenting well? What do you say to something like that? "Geez, I doubt it, I guess I should really get up from this existential crisis and look into that"?
It must be an example of God's mysterious ways, but I found this exchange so ridiculously funny that I began to feel better. Now, three weeks later, I am fully emerging from my self-described 'funk' and feel the need to delve a bit deeper into my thoughts, feelings and history with Anonymous, whom I've met so many times, in so many places during my journey towards completion in Christ over the past 25 years.
I need to acknowledge two things before I launch into this. First, Anonymous spoke much truth. The path out of depression (or any form of funk or distress) is found in turning our focus from ourselves and our perceived needs towards God in an attitude of humility, confession, repentance, gratitude, and service to others -- especially those in our family. Second, I DO have a bit of resentment built up over the years towards those like Anonymous who choose to express those truths without regard to the real pain, frustration and difficulty people have making that shift in focus.
Here is an example. Anyone who's read my blog knows that I left the Church in anger over the circumstances surrounding my second divorce. My feelings of betrayal were so profound and deep, that I just said "fuck it" and went on to make as much money and sleep with as many women as possible. There was nothing that any self-righteous christian could have done, but there was plenty that certain Christians whom I loved dearly could have done -- to soften my heart. But it was not in God's plan, apparently. And so down the path of hedonism I eagerly ran.
However, I never outran the nagging tug of the Holy Spirit on my heart reminding me that I belonged rightfully to Christ, and that I would never know joy, peace or contentment by living in this manner. All I really succeeded in doing was saddling myself with a terrific amount of baggage and cravings that would be ever more difficult to discard in an attempt to return to the Christian life. My recent downturn is ample evidence of that.
There were several points along the way when I began to long to return to the Church, not unlike the moment in the parable of the Prodigal Son, when he 'came to his senses'. One of those points came when I realized that the old guy who ran the cash register at the local golf course where I play was in fact a Christian who I knew from the first church I attended right after my salvation at age 19. We got to talking, and he mentioned that there was a Christian golf league running every week at the course. I thought to myself, "This could be the perfect opportunity to get back into some semblance of a spiritual walk." So I asked if there were any openings for me to join them.
The first thing out of his mouth was, "Are you regularly attending church?" The very first thing! Seriously. And when I admitted that I wasn't, he said, "Well, that's one of the rules. You can't be in the league unless you're a member of a church."
Well, doesn't that just about fucking sum it up?
Anonymous protested in his last comment that Christians don't kill their wounded. Bullshit! They would if they could. Fortunately, my spiritual life or death is not in their control.
The message this golf course guy, Anonymous, and so many others who sit so prim and proper in church pews every week is this: conform and you will be accepted; bleed on the carpet, and you will be ejected.
People who call themselves Christian yet come at you like Anonymous or the golf course guy or some of the people who tossed me out of their lives ten years ago don't reflect the character of Christ or the love of the Father. They seem to want to exercise an undue amount of control over your behavior, feelings and responses to the shit in your life.
Why?
I believe it's because your conformity to their expected standard of behavior is necessary to prop up their denial that they've got it all covered, their obsessive need to live a neat and tidy life in a neat and tidy world where the lines between the saved and the damned are clearly visible.
They are like the friends of Job, who came intially to comfort him in his distress but ultimately could not endure the inexplicable nature of his devastation and started hassling him to confess his sin to God and die already. They are like the disciples when they asked Jesus whose sin was the cause of a man being born blind: his or his parents. If you don't put on a happy face for these folks and play the game their way, they go to work on you.
They are the people who don't get that every sin you and I have ever committed or ever will commit was nailed to the Cross with Jesus, that He carried them down into the depths of Hell, flung them at the feet of the Evil One, and said, "These will not keep my Beloved from knowing the Love of the Father."
They are the people who think they represent God when they wag their finger at you like a scolding parent over your faults, failures, lack of faith, and general unwillingness to appease their lust for 'justice'. Jesus said "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled."
I don't think He was talking about this.
I believe with all my heart that every time a 'Christian' uses the teachings of Jesus to kick a vulnerable, hurting person in the teeth while they're down, Jesus weeps.
Anonymous, I don't know you, and I don't judge you. In fact, I'm not really even addressing the flesh and blood person who wrote those comments on my blog, but rather the widespread mentality among the Church in America reflected in those comments.
Romans 5:8 says: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." All of us who name the Name of Christ need to remind ourselves daily what that means before we start saying things like, "You are selfish!" or "You are suffering because of your sins!"
I've been blessed to find brothers and sisters in recent months who, while not perfect, are honest enough to realize that my struggles with attitudes and behaviors are not some airborne toxin that will contaminate them into a state of damnation. They help me see that God really does care for me, and hurts when I stray onto the path of self-destruction. It's odd that I've met most of them at the 12-step program.
Or is it?
I will close with the following passage from Galatians (Chapter 6:1-5). I hope the point is self-evident.
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."
Shalom!
- posted by The Drake @ 1:02 PM
Comments:
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To achieve the peace you/me/we are all seeking:
"Focus on the Internal, (our being/actions) while keeping your eye on the Eternal,( God's commands ) and this will in turn give you some of the peace on the External." ( our daily walk )
I do not do this homily justice by any means, but I like the notion.
Focus on your actions, while using God's love and grace and life on this earth, can be a beautiful experience.
The sin(s) can diminish. ( hopefully forever ) But we must be strong in our walk and pay close attention to Christ's example. I cannot imagine a nail being driven into my hand.
While we have had a nice exchange of our values, we are both seeking the same thing: to be accepted and loved by our Creator for all eternity.
I too can be heavy handed, but my walk is that much better for having shared yours. It is possible to walk together. Even in the most difficult times. Some recent real world events have made me believe this possible.
Please do not look at me as a "lurker," rather a brother in Christ who wants what you want. I found you not by intrusion, but by your own words and admissions. I do not judge. I have struggles as well.
In God's great name - lets be examples and lead as Christ would have us. As Fathers, this is a necessity.
I can't think of a better day than Ash Wednesday to begin anew with you!
God bless and keep us all!
Anon
"Focus on the Internal, (our being/actions) while keeping your eye on the Eternal,( God's commands ) and this will in turn give you some of the peace on the External." ( our daily walk )
I do not do this homily justice by any means, but I like the notion.
Focus on your actions, while using God's love and grace and life on this earth, can be a beautiful experience.
The sin(s) can diminish. ( hopefully forever ) But we must be strong in our walk and pay close attention to Christ's example. I cannot imagine a nail being driven into my hand.
While we have had a nice exchange of our values, we are both seeking the same thing: to be accepted and loved by our Creator for all eternity.
I too can be heavy handed, but my walk is that much better for having shared yours. It is possible to walk together. Even in the most difficult times. Some recent real world events have made me believe this possible.
Please do not look at me as a "lurker," rather a brother in Christ who wants what you want. I found you not by intrusion, but by your own words and admissions. I do not judge. I have struggles as well.
In God's great name - lets be examples and lead as Christ would have us. As Fathers, this is a necessity.
I can't think of a better day than Ash Wednesday to begin anew with you!
God bless and keep us all!
Anon
# posted by 
: 2/09/2005 04:05:00 PM
: 2/09/2005 04:05:00 PM
Anonymous,
I appreciate your conciliatory words.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God."
Shalom!
DN
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I appreciate your conciliatory words.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God."
Shalom!
DN
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