The Drake Musing: Getting the worm, and other random thoughts...

2.24.2005

Getting the worm, and other random thoughts...

Today was a rare day on which I was glad to be up and on the road by 6 AM. The snow had just started, barely more than a flake in depth on the sidewalk and cars, when I cranked up the old minivan for my 45-minute commute along the Ohio and into the 'Burgh.

Road conditions detiorated rapidly, as the storm apparently was not on ANYONE'S radar and no salt trucks were seen until I was nearly into the city. After one near collision at a red light in Ambridge, 15 minutes into my journey, I left no less than 3 car lengths between me and the person in front from then on.

I made it to work at my usual time, only to sit around and wait for everyone else who had to deal with the inevitable traffic headaches that I gotten out ahead of.

So it's been snowing all day, and I am reminded of long-since-forgotten childhood memories of the wonder, joy and excitement of waking up to the surprise of a sudden snowfall that cancelled school. What a great time! My dad, like myself this morning, had long ago braved the roads to get to work. So my sister and myself had a full day alone with mom -- a respite from the usual insanity and stress that usually came with being a healthy male child living under the same roof with a rage-aholic father.

We would jump into our snowsuits, boots, mittens and hats and go off exploring the pristine, white, chilly beauty that God had laid down on our otherwise dreary, winter world. Digging tunnels into snow drifts, building snow forts, sledding down the quarter mile hill along the natural gas pipeline that was near my house and, best of all, coming home to hot chocolate and Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup form some of the few happy childhood memories I can recall. But all too soon, the old man would return from work, none too happy from having to deal with the bad roads and idiot drivers, and we'd all get back to the grim business of survival.

I haven't spoken with my father in over two years, after an angry email exchange over my announcement of my impending union with D., the union being defined as making an offer on a house together in the town where I grew up and intention to marry shortly thereafter. It would be too tedious and boring to go into all the reasons why this caused our falling out, but suffice it to say that I have always found it difficult to say or do anything involving my father that didn't elicit criticism or condemnation. So I decided, for at least the third time in my adult life, to just save myself the pain and cut him out of my life.

I have been re-thinking my position of late, as I continue to seek the Lord's healing and blessing in my life. You see, my father has been slowly dying of cancer for a few years now. He was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 1992, and apparently was not given the proper follow up care after having it removed. Now he has tumors popping up everywhere, and this after having a surgery to remove a fairly large one from his neck and another to remove part of his lung. Our falling out came about a year after that last surgery.

My battle comes not so much from an unwillingness to forgive, but from a reluctance to be hurt all over again -- both from his words and his suffering. There is something very threatening to me about facing the demise of the man who caused me so much pain throughout my life. Part of it comes from the fear that there will never be closure for all the wrongs of the past. But I think the biggest fear I have is facing my true feelings for him that were long ago stuffed back down into the recesses of my psyche.

I mean, what little boy doesn't crave the love, attention and approval of his father? The only feelings I can identify in myself for the man are those of sadness, pity and resentment. I am so sad that I have never known what it was like to have a real father. I pity the man who has claimed to have accepted Christ as Savior, but has never really demonstrated any discernible joy in it. Finally, I resent all of the pain he has caused me and his failure to ever really support or affirm me.

Yet I sense in my soul that there is also that childlike love, buried so deep inside of myself that I can barely conceive it exists. For so long, I've simply regarded my father as just another legalistic asshole to be avoided. To face the possibility that there might be more depth to my feelings than that threatens to undo me.

I feel as if I will die if I dare experience what I've locked away for these forty-plus years.

Perhaps there is a purpose to this. Must I be broken in this way?

I fear the answer.

- posted by The Drake @ 1:44 PM

Comments:

you know what to do....he's waiting. i have a feeling that "broken" will turn to "relief and joy." and then peace.

# posted by

Anonymous : 2/24/2005 03:14:00 PM

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