1.13.2005
Funk
I don't like myself much recently. This past week, I went to church for both services for the first time in about five weeks. Last week, I didn't make it to church at all because I took two kids to the ER for bronchial infections that seemed to be bordering on pneumonia. So it's felt like forever that I've enjoyed worship.
In the interim, my attitude and behavior has been piss-poor, to say the least. I've been smoking weed, reading smutty blogs, and being generally abusive to D. and her boys. I don't really understand why I am so sad, pathetic and angry at the moment, but I am. I get glimpses of things that could be root causes, but all I really know is that I am not talking to God.
I'm glad the holidays are over. I think I took too much of a holiday from the routines and habits that helped make this Christmas season one of the most joyful I've had in years.
What, you say? Didn't I just come off like I'm in the gutter? Yep. It happens that fast with me. From Thanksgiving to Christmas, I was as into the holiday season as I've ever been. I had been saving since September in order to have the first credit card-free Christmas in seven years, and I was able to give generously. I even pulled my head out of my ass long enough to give D. gifts that made her feel like something more than an afterthought. I spent some time helping out with the church Christmas play (running a spotlight), and had several great outings with the kids doing Christmas shopping.
It was such a great time!
The inevitable(?) crash started the week of christmas, when I gave into the temptation to view porn on the Internet. D. actually was much more gracious to me than I deserved, and it helped make Christmas Day a mostly good experience for everyone. Of course, I was already well into a self-medicating cycle of pot use. This helped keep me mellow for the day, but was setting the stage for the unleashing of my own version of Mr. Hyde. This bastard has pretty much taken over the house over the past two weeks, undoing much of the work that had been done to bring D. and I closer to marital bliss.
Additionally, I am having trouble getting up for work, so it looks like Seasonal Affect Disorder is also in full swing. I hate winter!
But what bothers me most is that I just can't seem to give a shit, even though I know how much God has done for me. I believe that I am bound by shame.
Shame is bad, as far as I can tell. Being A-shamed over my actions is appropriate, and should lead me to repentance. However, being in a state of shame just keeps me where I am. It feels like there is something wrong with me that isn't wrong with everyone else. Something that even God wants no part of.
The only answer for me is to go to Him, but so far, that seems impossible to do.
I wish I knew why.
- posted by The Drake @ 6:54 AM
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going to Him is difficult for you - because you are acting too selfishly (pot/porn/anger)to recognize that D. and your family need you......you to be a man that SINCERELY WANTS to improve. you are creating the funk to continue your poor behavior. put their needs first!
you are progressivley sliding in the wrong direction and seem not to care about their needs...only yours.
so pray to Him and seek Him. His love will be your guide. when tempted, do your best not to indulge. your Father will give you the love, mercy and strength to overcome.
As far as D and the kids, put their needs ahead of yours and you will see the gift that God has for you!
I will pray for you and you for me! God Bless and Keep you!
you are progressivley sliding in the wrong direction and seem not to care about their needs...only yours.
so pray to Him and seek Him. His love will be your guide. when tempted, do your best not to indulge. your Father will give you the love, mercy and strength to overcome.
As far as D and the kids, put their needs ahead of yours and you will see the gift that God has for you!
I will pray for you and you for me! God Bless and Keep you!
# posted by 
: 1/14/2005 01:01:00 PM
: 1/14/2005 01:01:00 PM
Your funk may also be chemically oriented. I've seen friends of mine indulge in pot smoking and had their long term mood crash. The human brain is a strange thing, and chemicals do affect mood. Maybe put that aside for a while and see if your mood improves.
# posted by : 1/14/2005 03:24:00 PM
: 1/14/2005 03:24:00 PM
NH, thanks for your encouragement. I have been drug-free for over two weeks, and have seen some minor improvements in my overall mood.
To the other Anonymous poster, I'd like to share a few observations that others have shared with me. An emerging friend from church made the insightful comment that Christians are the first to kill their wounded. Another member of the church, a psychology professor at a local Christian college and pastor of many years, described addiction as "sin super-sized", and noted with great sadness that the Church in America just doesn't get it when it comes to dealing with the addiction and emotionally wounded in their midst.
My personal experience affirms both of these observations, and Anonymous has reminded me that this ignorance and insensitivity continues to be widespread. I appreciate your prayers, Anonymous, but could certainly do without the pain of having my confession met with condemnation. Perhaps if I understood more intimately that the character of God, as reflected in Jesus Christ, does not allow Him to respond to my confession as you have, I would be more inclined to go to Him. Of course, there is pride and clinging to selfish sin, but there is also the nagging suspicion that people like you actually reflect the way God looks at me. God's unconditional love is merely a concept I read about in the Scriptures until it is actualized in my personal experience.
Fortunately for me, I have numerous people in my life (like NH) who let me know differently.
However, I wonder how many people are out there like me, hurting and confused, whose only perception of God's love is an encounter with a preachy Anonymous?
To the other Anonymous poster, I'd like to share a few observations that others have shared with me. An emerging friend from church made the insightful comment that Christians are the first to kill their wounded. Another member of the church, a psychology professor at a local Christian college and pastor of many years, described addiction as "sin super-sized", and noted with great sadness that the Church in America just doesn't get it when it comes to dealing with the addiction and emotionally wounded in their midst.
My personal experience affirms both of these observations, and Anonymous has reminded me that this ignorance and insensitivity continues to be widespread. I appreciate your prayers, Anonymous, but could certainly do without the pain of having my confession met with condemnation. Perhaps if I understood more intimately that the character of God, as reflected in Jesus Christ, does not allow Him to respond to my confession as you have, I would be more inclined to go to Him. Of course, there is pride and clinging to selfish sin, but there is also the nagging suspicion that people like you actually reflect the way God looks at me. God's unconditional love is merely a concept I read about in the Scriptures until it is actualized in my personal experience.
Fortunately for me, I have numerous people in my life (like NH) who let me know differently.
However, I wonder how many people are out there like me, hurting and confused, whose only perception of God's love is an encounter with a preachy Anonymous?
my words are meant to encourge, not to harm - but please listen to my experience -
i remember my father's love - nurturing and critical at times, but always there to guide/set me on the path. find the path that you believe God would have you take. do so willingly. i understand your pain: let those vices go. they are taking the life out of the soul that God gave.
Christians do not kill their wounded. They will always be there for you. But you too must be there for them. Seek their help, as tough as their help might be. ( a father must discipline his young in order to set them on the right path ) You can only be helped if your truly want to be help.
Are you raising your children as God would have you? I often wonder if I am? So I pray and ask for His strength.
Pray and God will hear you. Please do this and I know your hurt will disappear.
God bless! Your Brother in Christ
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i remember my father's love - nurturing and critical at times, but always there to guide/set me on the path. find the path that you believe God would have you take. do so willingly. i understand your pain: let those vices go. they are taking the life out of the soul that God gave.
Christians do not kill their wounded. They will always be there for you. But you too must be there for them. Seek their help, as tough as their help might be. ( a father must discipline his young in order to set them on the right path ) You can only be helped if your truly want to be help.
Are you raising your children as God would have you? I often wonder if I am? So I pray and ask for His strength.
Pray and God will hear you. Please do this and I know your hurt will disappear.
God bless! Your Brother in Christ
# posted by : 1/19/2005 02:44:00 PM
: 1/19/2005 02:44:00 PM<< Home
