12.28.2004
Netherworld
I've often referred to myself as an addict, but when I look at the impact my behaviors have on my life and the people around me, it doesn't quite seem to fit. Of course, there are going to be many 12-steppers out there who are going to denounce this assessment as a rationalization born of denial. That may be, and I am going to continue in my current 12-step program in the hope of dissolving any remaining illusions that may stand between me and full realization of my identity in Christ.
I am attending a "Bible-based, 12-step program" known as Celebrate Recovery Monday nights at my church. I've been able to come out of my isolation as a result of putting myself into this type of sharing/confessional mode. Right now, we are working on Step 4, which is doing a searching and fearless moral inventory of self. I am really trying to focus on this, in addition to developing an accountability framework with others to help me see things more accurately.
Given recent events, my biggest fear is that I am a sex addict. Despite my beliefs and the miracles of God's intervention in restoring my marriage to D., I continue to struggle with living a secret life. While I have committed myself to avoiding the kind of fantasy porn (swinger) that causes me to be emotionally unfaithful, I have been finding myself attracted to blogs written by women who identify themselves as sex workers of one type or another. I don't find myself obsessing over their stories in a way that leads to bad behavior, but I catch myself longing for the freedom to go back to the swinging lifestyle. Of course, I reject those desires on the basis of my Christian beliefs, but I still feel the desire and wonder if it will ever completely leave me. Or will it continue to plague me and my marriage indefinitely?
Therefore, as part of my own Step 4 inventory, I've decided to put myself through the Sexaholics Anonymous questionnaire.
1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
Yes.
2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?
Of course.
3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
No.
4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
Yes.
5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
Absolutely.
6. Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?
Sometimes.
7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
No, actually. Since I've faced the impact that my behaviors have had on my marriage and my relationship with God, I've acted much less compulsively.
8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
When I indulge, yes.
9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
Do I have to? No. Do I? Yes.
10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
No, seeing as the only 'other party' is my wife. However, I greatly fear being propositioned by someone I find attractive and go to extraordinary lengths to avoid prolonged interactions with any woman who gives off a 'vibe'.
11. Do you keep going from one "relationship" or lover to another?
No, I've never been that way. Even when swinging, my participation was always anchored in an ongoing relationship with a partner willing to engage in a polyamorous lifestyle.
12. Do you feel the "right relationship" would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
No. I am tempted to believe this, but choose to accept the responsibility for these behaviors as the result of my own desires.
13. Do you have a destructive need -- a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
No. This is a very subjective question, however. My decision to marry my wife was heavily influenced by her own sexual appetites and willingness to swing.
14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
No. My current 'pursuit' of sex is limited to conjugal relations. I've made some unwise choices in the recent past, however.
15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
Since the degree to which my sexual behaviors have been compulsive is steadily decreasing, I'd have to say no.
16. Do you lose time from work for it?
Never.
17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
I'm not sure how to define a 'lower environment'. If that means cruising the red light district for services, then the answer is no. If it means that I compromise my personal standards of attraction to settle for a willing and available sex partner, then the answer is yes.
18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
No. I'm not a big cuddler, but I don't feel this huge urge to get away from them. Again, I've not had any partners other than D. since we stopped swinging, but I don't recall having that problem with others.
19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
Yes, but with steadily decreasing frequency. I've gone from daily (often multiple times) masturbation without my wife to only having indulged a few times in the past two months. I don't have a totally accurate count prior to last week's incident, but I would say it's in the single digits since the beginning of November.
20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?
No, never.
OK, so now that I've gone through these questions a couple of times to make sure I was being as honest as I knew how to be, I have to come to the conclusion that my struggles constitute a moral struggle -- not an addiction.
So, faithful readers (if there are any left), am I lying to myself?
- posted by The Drake @ 1:33 PM
Comments:
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Something my pastor said once seems appropriate here: 'whatever controls your mind, whatever takes up most of your thoughts, THAT is what you worship.' I guess that's a question that should be but isn't on your survey. I applaud you in being so open and honest with this. Somehow the impersonal nature of the web makes it seem not so scary, huh?
Sarah,
Your comment raises a perplexing issue for me. My thoughts seem to be divided between my spritual walk and my sexual impulses. For instance, I can be walking down the street with one of my favorite hymns playing over and over in my head, my thoughts dwelling on the tremendous blessings in my life, then suddenly twirl around to check out some anonymous woman's ass.
That's what's troubling me so much. How can I be both a sincere Christian and an outright perv at the same time? It doesn't seem right. Then my thoughts turn to the phrase in the Bible - from Revelation, I believe -- where God says that if you're neither hot nor cold, He spits you out of His mouth.
Your comment also reminds me of what my pastor said to me several weeks ago (posted here in one of the 'Veil' posts) that what you feed grows and what you starve dies.
In my case, I am coming to the conclusion that I really need to close myself off from all opportunities to feed my sexual appetites - outside my marriage, of course. One thing that I find intriguing here in the blogosphere is the proliferation of blogs authored by 'sex workers'. They are bad, bad, bad for me. Heck, even my beloved Smallville has become a stumbling block with this seasons racy subplots involving the young hotties.
Anyhoo, thanks for checking in. I was beginning to believe that my self-absorbed whinings had chased away all my sources of feedback.
And yes, the anonymity helps me get MUCH more of what's inside of me out there in black and white.
Take care, Sarah!
Your comment raises a perplexing issue for me. My thoughts seem to be divided between my spritual walk and my sexual impulses. For instance, I can be walking down the street with one of my favorite hymns playing over and over in my head, my thoughts dwelling on the tremendous blessings in my life, then suddenly twirl around to check out some anonymous woman's ass.
That's what's troubling me so much. How can I be both a sincere Christian and an outright perv at the same time? It doesn't seem right. Then my thoughts turn to the phrase in the Bible - from Revelation, I believe -- where God says that if you're neither hot nor cold, He spits you out of His mouth.
Your comment also reminds me of what my pastor said to me several weeks ago (posted here in one of the 'Veil' posts) that what you feed grows and what you starve dies.
In my case, I am coming to the conclusion that I really need to close myself off from all opportunities to feed my sexual appetites - outside my marriage, of course. One thing that I find intriguing here in the blogosphere is the proliferation of blogs authored by 'sex workers'. They are bad, bad, bad for me. Heck, even my beloved Smallville has become a stumbling block with this seasons racy subplots involving the young hotties.
Anyhoo, thanks for checking in. I was beginning to believe that my self-absorbed whinings had chased away all my sources of feedback.
And yes, the anonymity helps me get MUCH more of what's inside of me out there in black and white.
Take care, Sarah!
Personally, I think you have a very realistic and logical view of your situation. I do not think you are lying to yourself.
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