Hey God!
So my last post was a bit of a digression from where I initially intended to go. What I've been thinking about for most of the past 24 hours is why I'm such a shitty example of living the Christian life.

What I've realized -- maybe for the first time or maybe just again, but in a different way -- is that God really pisses me off. Really.

I mean, when I look at the two major meltdowns I've had, there are several things in common. First, is the immediate preceding 'efforts' to find God's grace in overcoming the difficulties I face, whether it be addiction, anger, abandonment, whatever. My tears and prayers are fervent and heartfelt, my desperation is palpable. I sincerely believe I have come to the end of myself and utter reliance on God to save me from my own overwhelming sinfulness. Second, is a period of struggling with the 'burden' of trying to live the Christian life. I hate trying to plod through Bible study, prayer, and resisting temptation. I don't really know how to describe it, but I just become overwhelmed with depression and a sense of futility because I just don't really get a lot of joy or have a lot of desire to 'be with God'. At least as I understand it.

Next is the dropping of the other shoe. Despite my prayers and tears, I fuck up something, usually letting down someone who I really want to love and accept me. Then they kick me to the curb. Parents, wives, now children (sort of). Pastors, friends, pets. Total abandonment.

Finally comes my reaction to what I've come to expect as the inevitable, which is to basically tell God thanks for nothing and to go fuck off.

Why is it that that little extra conviction, desire, motivation, fear of the Almighty, whatever, doesn't come to me and help me not come to the point of utter collapse? Sure, I can look back on things and see where pride, selfishness, obstinance, or just plain meanness snuck in on me. I got sloppy or lazy, or just couldn't seem to find the drive to be a devout. I took a shortcut, indulged in a pleasure rather than abstaining. But really, come on! I mean, what the fuck? I get it, okay. I'm a sinner. I got nothing without you, God. But, shit! I'm getting real tired of not hearing from you when my back is up against it.

I realize that this is not 'proper form', but frankly, I don't give a shit. Why bother me with the knowledge of your reality, if my life is just going to continue to be this freakish, roller coaster of hope crashing into failure and abandonment? I think I would have preferred not to know, and let my evil consume me quickly.

Of course, there is always the hope that You will make it clear for me, give me what I need to live out my days with grace, peace, humility, and some real purpose.

So you toss in a timely phone call from a brother at Celebrate Recovery last night. Yet all I can think is, "Great! Here we go again!" I'll get a temporary boost, then find myself bogged down trying to live like Christ and failing, getting depressed, allowing new people into my life who will just end up hating me for being a fuck up and leave me alone all over again.

Is this what you call grace?
- posted by The Drake @ 9:59 AM