1.29.2006
D,
It was so great to have you here again. To sweat with you as we try to work out what this thing going on between us really means was both invigorating and rewarding. I think that two of the things you said to me in the past 48 hours were the never nicest things I've ever heard. From anyone. The first you know about, but it bears repeating that the true admiration I heard in your voice and saw in your eyes when you complimented the new kitchen project and how much brighter the whole room was.
The other time I've kept to myself until now. It was when we went to sleep last night and you spooned up to me, gave me a nice firm squeeze, and said, "You know I really hate you... but I really love you."
Here's how I heard it:
"you know... I really don't like you sometimes, but I REALLY do love you."
Knowing how much you are struggling to make sense of the conflicts you are having between your feelings and the direction you chose to go in December, and recognizing that I keep doing things that make you doubt your feelings for me (or at least to wisdom in having them), I am suddenly seized with a pain that I don't often get. Regret. Shame? I've always had that, but it is so easily turned to anger when those you've hurt do their best to hurt you back. What you showed me in how you talked to me this weekend, was that you've begun to take a different path.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for the courage it must take you to come back here and have to listen to me talk and yet have the courage to face these conflicts all over again. And to tell me that you really do love me in spite of it all? Priceless. Can't be bought at any price. The sex was great. I mean, really great. But this one simple act of laid out, boldly naked honesty is the best gift you've ever given me.
I know that you probably don't want to talk right now. You're exhausted from the vigorous marathon that was out weekend, and rightly so. Therefore, I'm choosing this blog as the forum to declare these things. First, because it's a suitably safe distance from which you can respond. Or not. Second, I want the world (at least my little blogging world) to know the following.
You, D, are the most remarkable woman it has ever been my pleasure to know. That probably sounds strange coming from me, and probably not only to you. But I really mean it. You needed to get your confidence back, and you took some aggressive steps to put yourself in the place to do just that. I admire you for that. Keep doing the things that you are doing there to remind yourself just how much of a kickass woman you are. Me likey!
Thanks for helping me with the drywall and the decorating ideas. I think that when we are done, we will have something for which can both be proud. Even if we never get back together, it will have been worth the effort, and nothing can take that away from us.
Take your time and space, my darling. I am busy with my own healing, and that of my son. I won't push, but I will -- as always -- leave my door open to you. I'm not going anywhere.
There's really nothing more that can be said, except to sum up all that's gone before and say,
I really love you, too.
My darling.
- posted by The Drake @ 11:11 PM
Comments:
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WOW.....this is interesting drake. the tone is so sweet. but i'd like to hear something from D.
hey D....would you like to join the blog??
hey D....would you like to join the blog??
# posted by 
: 1/30/2006 10:01:00 PM
: 1/30/2006 10:01:00 PM
Hey Wow,
If you are the same anon. as Oh Well, I'd still like to know what you meant by hypocrite.
Drake, and D,
I only read the first paragraph here. It seemed too private.
If you are the same anon. as Oh Well, I'd still like to know what you meant by hypocrite.
Drake, and D,
I only read the first paragraph here. It seemed too private.
wow,
thx for the feedback. i especially appreciate your comment about the tone. i guess that kinda means that 'sweet' is a new flavor in the writing of The Drake. somber thought, but also encouraging that something more palatable is beginning to emerge both in my writing, and in this story.
D has been reading the blog all along and is certainly free to join in the conversation. We've certainly discussed it, but for now she chooses to observe and respond to me directly.
Jeanne,
Please feel free to read all of this. One of the main reasons I posted this is so that all who have read what has been written here before can gain a little balance in their perspective regarding my feelings and ongoing relationship with D.
I've been harshly unfair to D, both here and in our flesh-and-blood relationship, and this is just one way for me to try and make amends.
What I have always liked about my relationship with D is that, despite us both being dysfunctional, each in our own way, there is a commitment to keep moving towards the light. That, and a God who has hold of us in ways that keeps us searching for that place of peace and contentment.
It would have been so easy for either of us to completely cut off from the other, as usually happens in situations like this. But for some reason, neither of us seems to be able to make that final break. Could be guilt and shame, could be the inexplicable power of the Holy Spirit incessantly whispering a message of hope and grace, despite our many mistakes and rebellions.
Only time will tell, and I look forward to continuing to tell the story as it unfolds.
thx for the feedback. i especially appreciate your comment about the tone. i guess that kinda means that 'sweet' is a new flavor in the writing of The Drake. somber thought, but also encouraging that something more palatable is beginning to emerge both in my writing, and in this story.
D has been reading the blog all along and is certainly free to join in the conversation. We've certainly discussed it, but for now she chooses to observe and respond to me directly.
Jeanne,
Please feel free to read all of this. One of the main reasons I posted this is so that all who have read what has been written here before can gain a little balance in their perspective regarding my feelings and ongoing relationship with D.
I've been harshly unfair to D, both here and in our flesh-and-blood relationship, and this is just one way for me to try and make amends.
What I have always liked about my relationship with D is that, despite us both being dysfunctional, each in our own way, there is a commitment to keep moving towards the light. That, and a God who has hold of us in ways that keeps us searching for that place of peace and contentment.
It would have been so easy for either of us to completely cut off from the other, as usually happens in situations like this. But for some reason, neither of us seems to be able to make that final break. Could be guilt and shame, could be the inexplicable power of the Holy Spirit incessantly whispering a message of hope and grace, despite our many mistakes and rebellions.
Only time will tell, and I look forward to continuing to tell the story as it unfolds.
btw Jeanne,
i don't think you're a hypocrite. i'd say you've been pretty consistent throughout, if a little vague at times.
in any case, i'm glad you're still here.
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i don't think you're a hypocrite. i'd say you've been pretty consistent throughout, if a little vague at times.
in any case, i'm glad you're still here.
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