The Drake Musing
10.17.2006
 
Recap From a Season in Hell

Today I stayed home from work to accomplish the following:

1. Open a new checking account.
2. Make a visit to the water company to track down a late payment and put the account in my name.
3. Buy groceries.
4. Conduct my traditional mourning ritual for a broken relationship (i.e. - get high).

What a strange and painful journey it's been since I drafted my last thoughtful blog entry at the end of Jan. In the 8 months that have passed, the following has occurred:


 
of things left undone...
Here is a draft I began for this blog, dated 1/30/06. Given what's happened since -- the subject of my current draft -- I wonder if not posting the following did more harm than good.

D,

It was so great to have you here again. To sweat with you as we try to work out what this thing going on between us really means was both invigorating and rewarding. I think that two of the things you said to me in the past 48 hours were the never nicest things I've ever heard. From anyone. The first you know about, but it bears repeating that the true admiration I heard in your voice and saw in your eyes when you complimented the new kitchen project and how much brighter the whole room was.

The other time I've kept to myself until now. It was when we went to sleep last night and you spooned up to me, gave me a nice firm squeeze, and said, "You know I really hate you... but I really love you."

Here's how I heard it:

"you know... I really don't like you sometimes, but I REALLY do love you."

Knowing how much you are struggling to make sense of the conflicts you are having between your feelings and the direction you chose to go in December, and recognizing that I keep doing things that make you doubt your feelings for me (or at least to wisdom in having them), I am suddenly seized with a pain that I don't often get. Regret. Shame? I've always had that, but it is so easily turned to anger when those you've hurt do their best to hurt you back. What you showed me in how you talked to me this weekend, was that you've begun to take a different path.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for the courage it must take you to come back here and have to listen to me talk and yet have the courage to face these conflicts all over again. And to tell me that you really do love me in spite of it all? Priceless. Can't be bought at any price. The sex was great. I mean, really great. But this one simple act of laid out, boldly naked honesty is the best gift you've ever given me.

I know that you probably don't want to talk right now. You're exhausted from the vigorous marathon that was out weekend, and rightly so. Therefore, I'm choosing this blog as the forum to declare these things. First, because it's a suitably safe distance from which you can respond. Or not. Second, I want the world (at least my little blogging world) to know the following.

You, D, are the most remarkable woman it has ever been my pleasure to know. That probably sounds strange coming from me, and probably not only to you. But I really mean it. You needed to get your confidence back, and you took some aggressive steps to put yourself in the place to do just that. I admire you for that. Keep doing the things that you are doing there to remind yourself just how much of a kickass woman you are. Me likey!

Thanks for helping me with the drywall and the decorating ideas. I think that when we are done, we will have something for which can both be proud. Even if we never get back together, it will have been worth the effort, and nothing can take that away from us.

Take your time and space, my darling. I am busy with my own healing, and that of my son. I won't push, but I will -- as always -- leave my door open to you. I'm not going anywhere.

There's really nothing more that can be said, except to sum up all that's gone before and say,

I really love you, too. My darling.


Powered by Blogger